Bored of the latest Australian leadership spill drama, where it looks like yet another Prime Minister is about to get the arse?
Tired of going to the polling booth, only for the clowns in Canberra to call another Leadership Spill, letting the politicians not the people decide the PM?
Of course you are.
Will it change?
Probably not.
So what can you do about the worryingly increasing leadership spills?
Well let us unveil the latest Gurgler Big Idea – The Great Australian Leadership Spill Annual Gala.
Think Brownlow Medal meets Canberra, with even more entertainment than usual.
HOW DOES THE GREAT AUSTRALIAN LEADERSHIP SPILL WORK?
Laws will be changed to force the current sitting government and Opposition to have a mandatory leadership on a certain day every year, let’s say the Monday after Melbourne Cup every year.
But instead of being played out in a dreary Canberra Office or semi lit corridor, it could be done in the Grand Ballrooms of the Crown or Star City Casino. And televised for all.
Much like the Brownlow Medal night.
All the nominations, politicking, voting and results announcing will be done in one action packed, drama filled, glamorous political entertainment extravaganza.
LEADERSHIP SPILL GALA NIGHT STEP 1 – NOMINATIONS
After a stunning red carpet special hosted by Richard Wilkins, Peta Credlin, and Brendan Fevola for added colour, where as many VIPs will be asked what they’re wearing, every federal politician and their partner are to move into the ballroom.
From there MC Laurie Oakes opens the night with his Sportsbet-busting gag of a never-ending tie of different colours (much like the Clown hanky trick) and a tight five minutes of his highlights of the previous 12 months of politics in Canberra.
Then he asks anyone wishing to nominate for any of the positions for the leadership spill (PM/Deputy of either party) to join him on stage.
After all of the tension of the will they or won’t they as the ambitious climb onto the stage, all are then grilled by a team of hard-nosed interviewers – Alan Jones, David Speers, Kerry O’Brien, Andrew Bolt, Lenore Taylor, Brett Finch, and former ALP Powerbroker Graham Richardson.
The questions have now been answered, and the promises made, it is time to work the room.
Of course this would end here if neither party had a leadership spill for either position. But given the recent trend of knives in various backs, it seems an unlikely scenario. And with a further leadership spill banned until this event the next year by law, the time is now.
LEADERSHIP SPILL GALA NIGHT STEP 2 – THE NUMBERS
Instead of the deals being done in dark corridors, closed offices, emails, and the occasional fax, this will now take place in full view of the public thanks to the broadcast of the The Great Australian Leadership Spill Annual Gala.
The candidates for the leadership spill and their closest allied now have 20 minutes to work the ball room, and get those numbers.
TV cameras will be given access like never before to add to the drama. Interviews hopefully conducted by the two fine gentlemen of the Betoota Advocate.
Once the 20 minutes is up, it is time for the relevant parties to vote.
LEADERSHIP SPILL GALA NIGHT STEP 3 – THE VOTE
Each politician in attendance will be given a secure link via their phone in which to vote for the candidates of the leadership spill, on a 3-2-1 basis, depending on the amount of candidates.
Only those at the event are allowed to vote.
The cameras add to the drama at this stage as the undecided swingers sweat on making the right decisions.
LEADERSHIP SPILL GALA NIGHT STEP 4 – ENTERTAINMENT BREAK
While the votes are tallied by people other the PWC clowns who stuffed up the Oscars, it is time to lighten the atmosphere with some entertainment.
First up is the Rubbery Figures making a comeback, taking the piss out of the current batch of decision makers.
Next up is the Wyatt Roy Experience, a mix of hip hop and heavy metal doing ironic covers of 80’s new wave.
Then comes the modern dance interpretation group of the Katter Family Dancers,
Finally a poetry slam featuring Malcolm Roberts, Clive Palmer, Jacqui Lambie and Derryn Hinch. Note: these can easily be replaced by the more eccentric politicians of the day.
LEADERSHIP SPILL GALA NIGHT STEP 5 – THE RESULTS
Of course only one man can bring the results, Antony Green.
Much like the Brownlow, each politicians 3-2-1 are read out carefully, and the rolling tally updated.
The drama of the reading out of the results is captured by too many TV cameras, all for the viewers at home.
Like the Brownlow, this will be a long, dragged out affair that takes way too long. Just the way people like it.
LEADERSHIP SPILL GALA NIGHT STEP 6 – RESULTS STAND….FOR 12 MONTHS
Then it can happen all over again, the same time next year, or until the next election.
