The F1 Donkey continues The Gurgler’s sporting coverage where a sharp tongue, bold predictions and a juicy carrot all meet. Before each race The F1 Donkey will provide sass and predictions, including this week’s 2024 Belgian Grand Prix Bold Predictions plus an alternative, slightly unhinged view full of sass of the world of F1 and beyond for another week.
The F1 Donkey’s Pre Dutch Grand Prix Thoughts
After a season that has felt like unlimited Formula 1 this mid season break has felt like a hibernation, which is more normally suited to Bears, but I gave it go regardless.
But while I was asleep in a cave I missed a bit of news. Like Red Bull conceding the Constructor’s title by retaining Sergio Perez in the other car. The other downside of that was it didn’t stop the tedious amount of Daniel Ricciardo articles, the press following the Australian this season makes him the Prince Harry of Formula 1. Although, it must be said that at least Daniel Ricciardo is usually happy and smiling, which is the opposite of the former Royal.
I also missed most of the Olympics, although did wake up in time to see the hype about Olympics Break Dancing. And it did get me to thinking, is there any potential Olympics influence or cross over available for Formula 1. We’d say to cash in on the popularity of the Olympics, but F1 doesn’t need anymore popularity due to Netflix nor is the Olympics popular.
First of all, there certainly is some crossover, with the talk of swimming and its slow pool, which compares nicely to F1 which has fast and slow tracks. Like a slow pool, no one in F1 likes a slow track except when it is ironically underwater, so Olympics organisers should ensure that the LA 2028 games pool is fast as possible. Someone who likes a fast pool and probably F1 is that thrusting Australian swim coach.
But fast and slow pools aside, I also wondered if there were Olympics event that could influence F1 to improve the show.
First idea is based on the Olympics Sprint cycling, that one where there’s only two of them on track and most of it is spent with the rider going as slow as possible waiting to explode with speed. Imagine then a Sprint cycling themed F1 qualifying session. Two cars given one lap, starting from the pit lane and the winner qualifies ahead of the other.
Of course this only works as a H2H, so you’d have to have one session to determine a top four or eight so you can go H2H after that. That’s no problem because the Q1 cutoff is a little boring these days with the same teams and Sergio Perez usually failing to make the cut. This cycling themed qualifying is essentially a glorified Safety Car restart, but aren’t they exciting. Imagine pole position is just a two car H2H on track rather than all ten cars trying to set times within 10 seconds of each other. What tension, what drama it could be.
Leaving the track cycling for the next idea and heading over to BMX racing. I’ve always said the F1 tracks are too boring, like slow pools, and so F1 should introduce a few jumps like the BMX tracks have. These are the most expensive motor cars in the world, so why not test them to the max. Not Max Verstappen, he already tests cars.
Finally, after the raging success of the Break Dancing, one could really see F1 getting involved in that. Well most of them anyway.
Oscar Piastri wouldn’t, he doesn’t come across as anyone who would break dance, or indeed dance at all. Given the celebration of first F1 win was little more than a half-hearted “woo”, the Australian seems more like the best he could do would be the drunk uncle shuffle you see at various RSL and Leagues Clubs around Australia too late on a Saturday night after at least five too many rums.
Max Verstappen doesn’t look like a break dancer either, but if you awarded a 3-2-1 points system he hardly allow the opposition to get points for free.
Lance Stroll could be good at it, if his father owned the tournament and set the rules and hired the best 14 break dancing coaches from all around the world.
Logan Sargeant may be into it, but would probably be too slow to do the headspins. But it would be a chance to score points for a change. Ditto Guanyu Zhou.
But there’s certainly a group of drivers who look like they are ready to Break-Test. See what I did there, that’s your name for it too. (dusts hands/hooves)
Yuki Tsunoda, Pierre Gasly, Daniel Ricciardo could add break dancing as a potential new team article for 2025, and even Valtteri Bottas is someone who’d be up for it. Plus who knows, when other drivers see having the time of their life. Maybe we are under-selling the street cred of Lando Norris, or Kevin Magnussen or The Hulk. Even George Russell could have a go. As the Australian proved, anyone can/can’t do it.
Of course Lewis Hamilton would be too cool for school to do it.
But they’d need street names to go Break dancing. Some of are easy like Pierre Gasly would be the Gaz-Man, and Yuki Tsunoda could be Captain Tspin-over or even Danny Rick-Shaw.
Our attempts are only a first draft, if you can think of better street names for F1 drivers then enter our competition by suggesting a name and emailing gurgler.chat@gmail.com with the subject F1 Break Dancing and the best entry will receive a hand drawn picture of the King of DNPQ Pedro Chaves in one of his F1 entries.
While I wait for those entries, and dream of F1 Olympics, here are the bold predictions for the upcoming Dutch GP.
The NRL Donkey’s 2024 Dutch Grand Prix Bold Predictions
And here they are, in a convenient team by team format, so you can ignore Kick/Stake/Sauber at your convenience.
RED BULL
Max Verstappen has won this race from pole three times, and he isn’t a very good loser historically. Chalk him down for a quadruple of win from pole. Chalk his team mate down for neither.
McLAREN
Oscar Piastri to outqualify and out-race Lando Norris. Brewing a team mate war.
FERRARI
To leave the weekend regretting not having signed Adrian Newey by now.
MERCEDES
Mercedes to put just enough fuel in their cars.
ASTON MARTIN
Both drivers to find unexpected form ahead of the Adrian Newey signing.
RB / VISA CARD / VCRAB / RED BULL JNR
Daniel Ricciardo to start a period of Yuki Tsunoda thrashing, which will somehow lead to even more articles about Daniel Ricciardo’s future.
HAAS
The Hulk for Q3, the Magnet for Q1. And finish nose to tail in 13th and 14th.
WILLIAMS
Logan Sargeant to lose it on the first lap, recover, to lose it again before the end.
ALPINE
Esteban Ocon to make Q3. Pierre Gasly to not make three laps.
KICK / STAKE / SAUBER / ALMOST AUDI (Not Aldi)
Nothing interesting at all, except the team announcing Valtteri Bottas for another season.
F1 2024 Season Stats
And some proper stats to ensure this is more of an F1 article.
