With Halloween approaching, a group of older Australians have formed to stop “this Seppo nonsense“.
Called C.A.T.R.S.N (Coalition against the Rubbish Seppo Nonsense), they have been meeting every Thursday to talk tactics.
“First things first, we made posters that say, ‘F*** off with this Seppo Halloween nonsense! Go to America if you like it so much! No lollies will be handed out here, so don’t bother!‘” said the C.A.T.R.S.N President George.
When the Everyday News Staff Writers asked him why they can’t simply ignore Halloween, George fired back that they need to stamp it out before “Australia turns into America!”
“I heard my grandkids talking to a friend on that Spacetime thingy on their computers and they started talking in AMERICAN accents! I had to put a stop to it! From now on, they’re ONLY allowed to watch ABC and SBS, and no wild music or any bloody Seppo shows on the Netrix! If they do, then it’s bedtime at 8pm with no supper!”
George’s long-suffering wife Martha isn’t as stridently anti-Halloween.
“George is such a baby! I’m happy to go trick or treating with the grandkids. It’s a safe area, the sun’s out longer, and it’s good exercise. The old grump is usually in bed by the time we get back, so I let the kids watch an child-appropriate Halloween movie and we share whatever lollies they get. It’s good fun. At least his silly group gets him out of the house for once; it’s not like those old coots actually get anything done.”
George’s mate Bob also doesn’t see why he’s so militant.
“I got nothing against the Yankees mate. My daughter-in-law’s from Philadelphia, and she’s lovely. The missus and I spent a lovely Christmas up there a few years ago, even though it was bloody cold and I missed the Boxing Day Test. But aside from that it was fine. George invited me to his group, but I lost interest after a couple of nights. I’ve got my lawn bowls on a Thursday anyway.”
But George isn’t letting up; when Halloween is over, the C.A.T.R.S.N’s next goal is to ban all “rubbish Seppo sports” from Kayo and Fox Sports.
“A couple of the fellas have a few contacts from their journalist days, so I’m confident we’ve got this one.”
Everyday News is a brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of The Betoota Advocate. We swear.
