A Canberra park cricketer has struggled to endear himself to his new teammates.
Alex rocked up to the Belconnen Bulls’ thirds game against Evatt and immediately got on their wrong side.
“Old mate turned up with a proper cricket coffin instead of a kit bag,” said left-arm leg-spinner Peter. “And it was covered with stickers of all these fancy-pants overseas clubs. What a wanker! All our BS radars went up immediately!”
Alex explained that he’d spent the last decade as an ‘overseas pro’ all across the UK, India, and Sri Lanka, and had moved to Canberra for his new sales job and to be closer to his girlfriend.
“I’m not surprised he’s in sales! Old mate can chew the ears off a bloody statue!” said wicketkeeper Harvey. “His missus is stunning! Way too good for him. Alex bragged that she’s a ‘social media influencer’, but I think I’ve seen her on those dodgy mobile game ads that rip off TikTok skits.”
After talking a big game, it was time for Alex to show how good he was.
It didn’t go well.
Batting at four, he made two runs, and then went for 0/20 off two overs with his slow, gentle off-breaks.
“Mate, I admit I’m not the greatest spinner, but at least I try to give it a f*****g rip!” said Peter. “He just rolled out these crappy nude nuts at about 70ks. Harvs could’ve chugged a six pack before the ball arrived.”
But the final nail in Alex’s ‘shit bloke’ reputation came late in the day.
“This was inexcusable! The dickhead was at slip and dropped a catch cold! An in-and-out job! And he had the nerve to blame ME because I was standing too close to him and threw him off! I was at least an arm’s length away. I didn’t even dive for it as the ball was straight to him!” said Harvey. “Everyone drops catches, but you never throw your mates under the bus!”
It was a frosty atmosphere around Alex on day two. Not only did he miss training, but fielded from fine leg to fine leg while Peter took five wickets to secure a first innings win for the Bulls. Alex then made one run, was bowled, and left the ground immediately in frustration.
“Shit bloke!,” said Harvey. “I was willing to give him another shot, but his f****-up, selfish attitude, and his belief that he’s a better cricketer than he actually is, was too much for me.”
After some follow-up calls, the Everyday News Staff Writers can reveal that Alex has quit his job, broken up with his ‘influencer’ girlfriend, and gone to India to play a Last Man Stands tournament.
The Gurgler presents stories of the Park Cricketer, where we explore the lower reaches of the great game of cricket from the suburban ovals to the rural grounds across Australia.
