March 15, 2025, 2:41 am

EVERYDAY NEWS – Giving Back to the Grassroots

A former Sheffield Shield cricketer has decided to go back to grade cricket for the 2022/23 season, but not for the expected reasons.

“I need to get the dusty old bastard of the house!” said Victoria, the wife of Peter Compton, who played 132 Shield games for NSW from 1988-2000, taking 200 wickets with his fast-mediums. “I’m THIS close to killing him or divorcing him. I don’t know which one would be worse!”

While Peter is only in his early 50s, retirement has been a drag every since his speaking engagements dried up due to COVID-19.

“Everyone’s heard the old bugger’s stories a million times, like the time he was 12th Man during the Ashes, got on as a sub fielder, and took a catch off Glenn McGrath’s bowling. He’s been living off that yarn for 30 years!” said Victoria. “The money from it helped pay for our house, but I’m so sick of that story!”

Ever since the pandemic, Peter’s been spending his weekends watching his old Shield highlights and wistfully shadow bowling in the backyard.

“He doesn’t think I see him, but I do. It’s quite sad really.” added Victoria.

Though one fiery afternoon over the Easter weekend convinced Peter to go back to the game he loved.

“We were both cooped up and had a stupid fight about something or other. He told me he was bored shitless so I gave him an ultimatum. Either go back to cricket and actually do something with his life or I’d chuck out his old tapes. After he’d finished sulking, he said that I was right – because of course I am – and he’d already emailed his old club president about next season.”

The decision proved the kick that Peter needed, as he now spends his Saturday and Sunday mornings practicing at the local nets.

“It’s been bliss! I get the mornings to myself again: a nice lie-in, a luxurious coffee over breakfast, a bit of housework, and maybe catch up on some telly or see the kids. The best thing is he comes home too tired to do anything, so I’m left in peace for the rest of the day until it’s dinnertime. Then he happily goes to the bedroom to watch the footy.”

Peter is planning to start in fifth grade and eventually work his way up to firsts.

“I’ve been working on my off-breaks, as my back is stuffed, and bought one of those Crazy Catch things so I can field first slip all day like I used to,” said an excited Peter. “I feel like I’m 16 again when I first broke into grade cricket. I can’t wait for pre-season training!”

Everyday News is a brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of ‘The Betoota Advocate’. We swear.

 

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