Ron Smithfield (fake name) is a person most like to avoid, especially those in his street. The 62 year old has lived in his street for 45 years, and is often heard complaining to about cars being parked too close to his driveway, neighbourhood cats, and Jacaranda flowering season.
But he especially hates un-mowed lawns. And the ALP.
Our Everyday News team managed to capture a conversation with Ron as he picked up his morning delivery of the Courier Mail and The Australian, ensuring he has a well balanced start to his day.
Initially he thought he was speaking to one of his neighbours, but we soon discovered that his neighbours, tired of the constant moaning, hide in their houses if Ron is spotted outside.
“Look at this.” Ron opens up with a shake of his head and a few tsk tsks. Pointing over to the small park and playground on the corner five houses away.
“The bloody grass is up to my knees, but no wonder as the bloody Council haven’t been here since before Christmas.”
“I mean, the grass is twice as high as Bags (his dog apparently) and I’m too worried about snakes, ticks and Covid to take him for a walk.”
“I rang my local Councillor three times last week, and every time I got the message that it was Covid related.”
“What a load of sh!t, how does a few people getting a cold stop grass being mowed?”
We then politely pointed out that the grass near the footpath in front of his house was un-mowed and that possibly he could take the lead and do something to remedy the issue.
But Ron replied “Mate, I don’t mow in front of my letterbox, and never will. I pay my rates, and so anything in front of my letterbox is a Council problem.”
We tried to point out again that he could lead by example, but was interrupted by a continuing rant.
“And I’m sick to death on everything being blamed on Covid. No Bread? Covid. Petrol prices high? Covid. No Sh!t paper? Covid. Tall grass? Covid. Seems governments are now using Covid as a scapegoat for their own incompetence. I’m calling bullsh!t on it all.”
“The Courier Mail say it’s Anna’s (Qld Premier – real job) fault for opening up the borders. Which is interesting as they rattled on about Anna every day about closing the borders up to December. But Sky News say the same thing too. Either way I’ll still blame her. And the Greens.”
“The governments have made it so much easier to work these days with Covid. With eight hour close contact at work ruling, and being able to leave isolation after five days instead of 14, there should be as many people available to mow this grass.”
We get the feeling this could go on for a while, so we pretend to receive a phone call whilst Ron is still going on. Funnily enough our phone did actually ring while we were pretending to be on it, but by that stage neither party cared as Ron continued his rant and we were simply glad to leave Ron alone.
Everyday News is a brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of ‘The Betoota Advocate’. We swear.
