It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times, and now the Wooden Spooners have cast their eye over the weekend of rugby league that was with the NRL Round 22 Weekend Headlines.
Going beyond the scores, the NRL Round 19 Weekend Headlines gives the extra insight in the NRL that only the Wooden Spooners can.
All reports are unconfirmed and please contact our legal team or Buzz Rothfield aka Hans Moleman for complaints.
THE SHOCK FINALS CHANGE
The 2021 NRL Finals will be reduced to a top five. It’s the first time the Final Five has been used since 1997.
“While it’s exciting to see a handful of teams battle for the finals, anyone from the Eels down has zero chance of winning the premiership, so let’s just save everyone a lot of time and go back to the five,” said The Man of Feathers (Peter V’landys).
“The top three are set, and an elimination final between Easts and Manly will be a blockbuster!” The changes means the minor premiership battle between Melbourne, Penrith, and South Sydney becomes even more important, with the minor premiers only needing one win to make the grand final under the Final Five.
THE REAL REASON THE BRONCOS LOST
In one of the weirdest excuses from a losing coach, Kevin Walters has blamed the Broncos’ heartbreaking loss to Easts on superstition.
“We only lost because we played on Friday the 13th!” said Walters. “I’ve seen all the 10,000 Friday the 13th movies, so I firmly believe that Black Friday is bad news. If I had my way, I’d make it a global holiday: no sport, no work, no anything. Just lock yourself inside your house, don’t dare to move incase something goes wrong, and wait for Saturday the 14th.”
Easts coach Trent Robinson said Walters’ insanity was a ploy to avoid a massive fine. “Clearly the inconsistent ‘head contact’ rulings, and Henry Perenara’s general incompetence, were bigger factors in their loss, but Kevvy doesn’t want to fork out the $10,000 fine, so he blames it on some stupid urban legend. I can’t blame him really.”
COLOUR ME BAD
The NRL has fielded a number of complaints after the North Queensland vs Wests Tigers game, with a lot of viewers getting migraines due to the awful colour clash. With both clubs celebrating the Women in League Round, the Tigers wore a purple and black combo, while the Cowboys’ dark blue was replaced by a bright pink.
“I get that da wumen in leeg is important 4 da shielas, but my Cowboys shuld neva wear pink again! Only poncey, pea-hearted latte-drinking Sydney clubs wear pink; a real Queenslander wuldn’t b caught dead in pink!” said @Cowboys69 on Twitter.
The Man of Feathers (Peter V’landys) has apologised for the colour clash and demanded that the Cowboys immediately burn all supplies of their pink jersey. “Penrith have cornered the market on the pink jersey, and their fans love it, so there’s no need for the Cowboys to join them.”
REDCLIFFE A “SHOE-IN” FOR NRL EXPANSION SAYS TONY ABBOTT AND FRIEND
A historic weekend for the Redcliffe Peninsula on the weekend as they hosted NRL football for the first time.
Redcliffe were supposed to host their first ever NRL game a few weeks ago but that got swept away by the most recent lockdown in South East Queensland.
The game in question was meant to be the Wests Tigers v Bulldogs as local rum connoisseur “RJ” explained to us.
“I had my ticket a few ticket a few weeks ago for the Bulldogs and Tigers as I was so desperate to see Redcliffe’s first game. But instead of that we got a double header featuring good sides. An upside of Coronavirus I reckon”
“But surely this proves Redcliffe is ready for NRL. And not some bullsh!t team called Firebirds, or Eaglehawks, or some wanky marketing crap”.
Former Prime Minister and figure of fun Tony Abbott also chimed in from London in his new capacity as something to do with UK trade.
“My government green lighted the upgrade to Dolphin Oval, so I am glad that a decent federal government had the foresight to invest into a rugby league heartland.”
“I have an affinity with Redcliffe, as I feel it is the Manly of Brisbane. And I look forward to the derby with Manly in 2023.
When pressed on Mr Abbott’s comments our local “RJ” retorted “Tony Abbott is a f*ckwit of the highest order. But thanks for the cash big fella”.
