In a world exclusive, the Wooden Spooners can reveal the real perpetrator behind the NRL’s sin bin/send off crackdown over high tackles since Magic Round.
And it’s not who you think.
Unlike Slim Shady, Peter V’landys isn’t the real Man of Feathers; instead, he’s Eddie McGuire in disguise and on a mission (from Gahd) to tear apart the NRL from the inside!
A representative of McGuire, who wished not to be named (let’s call him Mr X), said there’s a simple reason behind McGuire’s mission.
“Old mate is dead bored. He’s no longer president of his beloved Collingwood, his ‘prison bar jumper’ feud with Port Adelaide/David Koch is going nowhere, so he decided that If he can’t unofficially run the AFL anymore, he’ll do his best to destroy the opposition. The fun part was kidnapping V’landys.”
To become the Man of Feathers, McGuire underwent an intricate sci-fi transformation which is too complicated to explain here.*
Once the transformation was complete, McGuire/V’landys set about implementing the hardline crackdown on head high tackles, including stubbornly punishing accidental head knocks as much as the serious ones, forcing team to play one or two men short for small periods, and refusing to introduce a five minute sin bin that would’ve made angry fans slightly less angry. He’s also been busy spreading a rumour that Canberra’s routine second half collapses are due to ancient demons trapped inside Ricky Stuart that come out at halftime and infect the Raiders players.
When asked if Melbourne’s media noticed McGuire’s absence, Mr X said, “Not really. Most media folks down here were sick of ‘Eddie Everywhere’ a decade ago; so they’re glad that he’s staying quiet for a change.”
When asked when McGuire will return to his old form and release V’landys, Mr X was coy.
“We’ll see how we go. Eddie plans to keep this up for the rest of the season. He wants to ruin the NRL Grand Final with bullshit penalties, just like in 2019. We’ll review the damage over the off-season and go from there.”
*Truth be told, the underpaid/overworked Wooden Spooners journos couldn’t be arsed thinking of a legitimate, logical, explanation. They write fake footy articles, not bloody science fiction! Anyway, let’s say a wizard did it and move on.
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