WOODEN SPOONERS | Sliding Doors – Rugby League Alternative Timelines

The Wooden Spooners series returns and steps back in time for our Sliding Doors of rugby league alternative timelines.

For those not familiar with the 1998 rom-com, it is a movie based on what happens when the main character misses/catches their intended train. It involves two very different storylines for the same characters based on which way that events goes.

So what’s good for Hollywood is good enough for rugby league. Eh, Rusty?

We have taken some momentous rugby league occasions of the past 30-odd seasons in Australia and offered a different ending of that event, and a range of predictions of what happens in the future as a result of the change in history.

Much like not stepping on anything if you travel back in time, we hope our Sliding Doors – Rugby League Alternative Timelines doesn’t affect rugby league in the near future, as some of our predicted outcomes are the Darkest Timeline for fans of some clubs.

Enjoy a look back into history and the future.

Sliding Doors – Rugby League Alternative Timelines

1989 NSWRL GRAND FINAL – Balmain Tigers v Canberra Raiders

The most iconic grand final in Australian rugby league history had huge consequences for both teams: Canberra kicked on to become one of the early-90s powerhouses, while poor old Balmain – a foundation club – died a slow, painful death until they merged with the equally bad Western Suburbs Magpies to form the frustratingly inconsistent Wests Tigers.

One of the grand final’s tipping points was Ben Elias’ missed field goal, which would’ve given the Tigers a 15-8 lead and the premiership.

So, what if “Backdoor Benny” (thanks to Roy & H.G.) had kicked the field goal?

First of all, the Raiders were gaining in strength, so let’s assume they would’ve kicked on as a 90s titan, especially with the pain of losing two grand finals in three years.

The big change would’ve been with Balmain: while Wayne Pearce and Blocker would’ve still retired, the momentum gained from that premiership would’ve been enough for them to survive as a stand-alone club during the Super League war. Unfortunately, this meant the death of the Wests Magpies, this time for good.

1999 NRL GRAND FINAL – Melbourne Storm v St George-Illawarra Dragons

While 95% of Victorians don’t give a crap, the Melbourne Storm have been one of the best sides in the NRL era: they’re a consistent finals team, have won four “official” premierships, have made a million grand finals, and survived a salary cap calamity that would’ve destroyed most other clubs. It all started in 1999: but what if they lost the grand final?

The Dragons had the game under control, until Anthony Mundine tried to be a hero. With the Dragons leading 14-2 after 50 minutes, “The Man” kicked towards the tryline, regathered, but knocked on over the line, despite having support on his left. Had he opened his eyes, then it’s an easy try assist (not that Mundine’s monstrous ego would allow that of course). The Dragons would’ve led 20-2 and it’d have been game over. While Mundine would continue to be an important part of the Dragons’ side (and not pursue his at-times lopsided boxing career), he’d still blame everyone else when he missed Origin/Test selection.

As for the Storm, let’s assume most of Victoria would have lost interest and the NRL – realising the Melbourne experiment didn’t work and wary of the recent success of the Brisbane Lions in the AFL – puts a second team in Brisbane (called the Bombers for the sake of this article).

Like the Storm did with the defunct Hunter Mariners, the Bombers absorb the Storm’s best players and sign Craig Bellamy as coach: cue one of the biggest rivalries between the Broncos and the second Brisbane team, with Channel Nein drowning in money by putting all the Brisbane derbies on Friday nights. Meanwhile, the majority of Victoria continues to obsess over their aerial ping pong.

There’s also the case of players like Cameron Smith, Billy Slater and Cooper Cronk who were rejected by the Broncos and/or joined the Melbourne Storm pathway. Or what about a young Jonathan Thurston, who was overlooked due to his size and headed for Sydney clubs in the early 2000s? With the Bombers full of new talent (learning the mistakes of the woeful South Queensland Crushers) they take a chance on Thurston too, as well as Smith, Cronk, and Slater.

So the Bombers name an inexperienced spine of Slater, Thurston, Cronk, and Smith for their first season, along with the best of the Melbourne Storm sides of the early 2000s – including Matt Geyer. And not forgetting that a potential Greg Inglis and Israel Folau are yet to come, and you can see by the mid-2000s that there is a team the equal of the Broncos. At a minimum.

Fast forward to the 2006 grand final which is now between the Broncos and the Bombers. With their spine now reaching the heights of their potential, the Bombers humiliate the Broncos by 30 points, laying down a marker for the next decade to come, winning premierships and making grand finals at a better rate than Melbourne.

Meanwhile, the Broncos are left to lick their wounds, and have gone without a premierships since the year 2000. And ironically they become the second Brisbane side and get all the players that aren’t quite good enough for their now dominant rivals.

2019 NRL GRAND FINAL –  Sydney Roosters v Canberra Raiders

After struggling for most of the 2000s (either making the finals or finishing in the bottom four), the 2019 grand final was the Raiders’ time to shine, and most neutral fans adopted The Milk as their second team.

Of course, we all know what happened, with that six again call followed by Teddy’s runaway try (in the cruellest of ironies, Tedesco famously backflipped on the Raiders a few years earlier).

But what if Ben Cummins didn’t stuff up and Canberra did get that six again call? With the Roosters on toast, let’s assume that Canberra score, which is enough for their first premiership in the NRL era.

Would this start another Raiders golden era, like after the ’89 premiership? Most likely. Ricky Stuart had built a strong roster and Canberra would’ve embraced their Raiders. 

As for the Roosters, they would still be powerful enough to be in the top four and challenge for the premiership in 2020 and beyond.

2015 NRL GRAND FINAL – Brisbane Broncos v North Qld Cowboys

For a few years in the mid-2000s, the Broncos v Cowboys rivalry was the biggest one in the NRL, with the Cowboys challenging the Broncos’ arrogant supremacy in the Sunshine State.

The 2015 decider was a classic, almost on par with 1989, and the Broncos had the game won for 79 minutes. Somehow, Kyle Feldt scored in the final minute, Thurston missed the conversion, Ben Hunt had the Drop Heard around the World and JT kicked the winning field goal.

While the Cowboys fell away after JT retired, the Broncos are now a laughing stock just six years later: but what if the Broncos had won?

Unfortunately for all non-Broncos fans, they would’ve arrogantly marched onto further success and there would be no hilarious 2020 wooden spoon. Spared the embarrassment of that drop, Hunt would’ve stayed in Brisbane, avoided being every keyboard warriors’ whipping boy, and probably had a statue erected at Lang Park. The Broncos would continue to dominate the Cowboys in XXXX Derbies, with the North Queenslanders quickly falling down the ladder.

JT missing his fairytale premiership would have one crucial consequence: he couldn’t rip on Nathan Hindmarsh for not winning any premierships, and the greatest running joke/”feud” in rugby league history would never exist.

1999 – South Sydney aren’t kicked out of the competition

South Sydney are one of the most famous, and oldest, clubs in Australian rugby league, but by the year 2000 they were no longer part of the NRL, a victim of the belt tightening heading into the next 1000 years.

To be fair, Souths weren’t quite the superpower they are now, with very little winning on the field, and even less off it.

They weren’t the only team, as we said goodbye to the North Sydney Bears, along with standalone Balmain Tigers, Wests Magpies, St George Dragons and Illawarra Steelers due to mergers.

Souths saw a 1997 max crowd of just over 7,000, which you could put down to general Super League indifference; by 1998, the highest crowd for the season was an improved 9,215. In 1999, the crowds eased back over 10,000, but it wasn’t enough for finals football.

But in our Sliding Doors moment, let’s say that the Rabbitohs held on, while the Sharks were forced to join with the Dragons in a southern Sydney “super club”.

So this means that the South Sydney story just meandered along, with poor on-field results and mediocre crowds.

Their 2000 and 2001 results matched the official results of their actual participation in the NRL in the early 2000s: five wins and second last (2002), three wins and last (2003), five wins and last (2004). third last and nine wins (2005).

In real life, this is when Russell Crowe and Peter Holmes a Court were sniffing around to buy the club, but without the massive support of the 100K march (when Souths were out of the competition in real life), this didn’t seem like a suitable project, as much as Rusty loved his Bunnies.

So, without the lure of a Hollywood makeover for Souths, they are warned going into the 2006 season that if performances and crowds don’t improve then they are going to be forced to go to Western Australia for 2007, keeping the competition at 16 teams with the pending arrival of the Gold Coast Titans.

But 2006 produced just three wins (and a third wooden spoon in five seasons) and the NRL had finally had enough. With no new owners, no great prospects of improvement, it is announced a week after the grand final that South Sydney would become the Perth Rabbitohs, with the traditional colours of cardinal red and myrtle green kept for the first five seasons.

Without the lure of Crowe to attract big names, the Perth Rabbitohs achieve less than the Titans in 2007, making just the one finals appearance where they were knocked out in the first week.