Our Alternate Sporting Universe ramble returns, where we wonder about how an everyday activity would run if done so by a sporting organisation, or if a sporting event was run by an everyday operator.
To get a taste for our Alternate Sporting Universe, we previously wondered what the World Cup draw would be like if devised by MKR producers, or if Channel Nein ran a restaurant.
Inspired by Channel Nein again, and the two fingers they have delivered to rugby league fans in 2020 (and in particular since the coronavirus halted the competition), we wonder if they can be just as bad if left in charge of anything else?
Sure, we could have delivered a balanced argument against the FTA broadcaster for their lack of love for certain clubs, or we could just say F*** You Channel Nein, which would have been deserved. But for fun we wanted to see how much they would ruin a common event with their “special” touch.
Given that social restrictions continue to be easing, there could well be a lot of parties to be planned soon, and who worse to do than Channel Nein? For just a bit of fun.
So for your parting hosting pleasure, we offer up Channel Nein Party Planning Inc.
AVAILABILITY
Please be aware that the Channel Nein Party Planning (CNPP) service is only available for residents of Brisbane on Thursday and Friday nights, Parramatta residents on the alternate Thursdays and Fridays, and only Sydney residents on Sunday afternoons.
Other party times will be referred to the more expensive, but far more professional, party planning service.
OFF TO A SLOW START
No matter what time your party is scheduled to start, please allow for the CNPP to take half an hour before the party gets into full swing to have someone make everyone sit down and listen to stories of dodgy builders; car salesmen; feuding (bogan) neighbours; dole-bludging goats; goats chewing on dole bludgers on a farm that is growing illegal drugs; prescription pill national shame; thinly veiled cross promotions; even more thinly veiled infomercials; pandering interviews with movie stars; Tracey Grimshaw; young Australians who hate authority; older Australians who hate everything; middle-class Australians who are part of the real estate auction home renovation crisis; people who hate the ABC; and – most importantly – covering something that has already been offered by the five previous news bulletins and given an ACA “sheen”.
We advise you to heavily pre-load your drinks for this interruption, as the 30 minutes can be a real buzzkill.
CATERING
Catering is supplied by the producers of MAFS, where the food will be served as a giant dinner party, and served with a side of hate.
Glasses of wine will be available to be thrown over your party guests.
Food will be courtesy of KFC (of course).
Due to the outstanding commercial connections, the alcohol supplies will be offered at cost price plus five percent. As long as you enjoy the current sponsors product.
To promote responsible drinking, CNPP wish to advise party goers that they won’t accept Toowoomba Airport drunk-levels at any party.
MUSIC TASTE
Sorry, what was that? You wanted a wide range of modern music mixed in with the occasional feelgood retro throwback?
Oh, well in that case you can have Daryl Braithwaite’s ‘Horses’ every third song and like it.
Want variety like a Sunday afternoon? No problem, we have at least nine Cold Chisel songs we can put on random.
Giving you what they want.
Just the way the Channel Nein Party Planning company like it.
And requests? Shove them up your arse.
What, do you think the people who pay for the party planning, and the actual party attendees, should have a say in the music being played?
DJ Hugh-ge TikToks has the limited music list you need.
For guests who prefer watching television, they can relax in the media room with endless repeats of a handful of mediocre-but-somehow-wildly-popular sitcoms like Two and Half Men, 2 Broke Girls, and The Big Bang Theory.
SPEECHES
For big milestone parties like 18th, 21st, seventh wedding anniversaries, and most other events except for gender reveals, the Channel Nein Party Planning Company offers a wide range of speech makers.
You could take the Fittler-Johns package, where the first few seconds the speech might be the pre-planned subject matter requested for the party, but in true Channel Nein style the initial subject is dismissed quickly and turned into a back-in-the-day chat about something that happened to them. It’s called the Slater effect. After five minutes of self-indulgent tripe, the conversation has veered so far from the original subject that people have turned away from the speeches completely.
The rest of the Channel Nein Party Planning team provide varying levels of speech; as per CNPP guidelines, all will eventually go off subject with a quick reminder that the speech givers all used to play rugby league – in case you forgot.
Note: the Ray Warren package is only available on Sunday. And the Ray Hadley package is no longer available.
UNCLE GUS
Each party eventually has that one person who starts a lots of arguments, tells you everything was better back in the day, and that they can do everything better.
This is usually a distance uncle or second cousin you haven’t seen in 15 years, so the CNPP has you covered here.
So, in case your party is lacking this element, CNPP have the perfect product – the Uncle Gus.
Uncle Gus is the perfect person to bring down your party with plenty of back-in-the-day arguments, and not so politely telling you where you could have done better. Whether the advice is ultimately true or not is not a CNPP problem.
IN SUMMARY
In life you always get what you pay for.
So if you looking to skimp, then the Channel Nein Party Planning Inc is for you.
Of course the only cost is then having absolutely no say in your big day.
Enjoy.
