Angrier than a room full of Fox League writers and NRL 360 hosts, slower than a Bunker decision, offering up a contract DCE wouldn’t be happy with, and less efficient than DOGE would approve of, it’s time for the weekly Rugby League rant of The Gurgler’s NRL Donkey, who provides his NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Round 5 Expert Tips as well as offers an alternative, slightly unhinged view full of sass of the world of rugby league and beyond for another week.
The NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Round 5 Weekly Rant
Sigh, here it comes….the Adjustment weekend of NRL crackdowns.
So, the NRL missed a few sin bins in Round 4 and you just know it’s going to go the other way this weekend. So we’ve either got to prepare for our rugby league to be ruined or find something else to do. The Japanese GP is on this Sunday during the day, and a fine sporting alternative. If the weather is good, and if it’s Queensland probably not, as it will be flooding somewhere, why not get out the quad bikes.
Well at least the clowns aren’t doing it over Magic Weekend like they did a few years back, giving rugby league players the full Oprah Winfrey treatment for sin bins and send offs and ruining the best weekend of rugby league.
Normally the NRL crackdowns are to continue the NRL’s good work of doing anything that disadvantages the Wests Tigers, but this one looks like it will be a round killer.
Look, I’m not anti protecting players, so they can go on to live full lives after rugby league and be quoted as “former rugby league great” in articles when they appear at local magistrate’s courts.
It’s the crackdown that sh!ts me to tears. Like the playing the ball with the foot. Like running red lights whilst speeding during school safety zone times, everyone does it, you’re just unlucky to be caught.
You can just see it this weekend. There will be 100’s of players sent to the Sin Bin across the eight games. So bad it will be that the sideline official will need one of those Woolies deli ticketing systems to stay on top of things.
Of course if that sideline official was Ashley Klown, then a Woolies deli ticket system wouldn’t be enough.
It will be more like the NFL than NRL this weekend with players coming and going on the sideline. Which suits the NRL, which tries its hardest to be like the NFL.
But moaning about sin bins, deli tickets, and Ashley Klown aside, just to make myself clear, the only assaulting of the head I am for in rugby league involves one or many mascots. Some of which can be very funny. Unless you’re Reggie the Rabbit, he’s had enough fun this season. Still love your work Reggie.
Moving onto other sad old men, the Daly Cherry-Evans saga is taking up way too much time and space.
Statically speaking, DCE would be in the lower two deciles of interesting NRL players, putting him somewhere between the corner post and the ground announcer doing his announcement in the last five minutes of a game about not entering the field after the end of play.
I just don’t get it. DCE is not that interesting, yet it has flooded rugby league content for the last two weeks. And he plays for Manly, which doubles down on the GAF factor.
And who’s surprised? He turned his back on the Gold Coast years ago. This led to the entire state of Queensland turning their back on DCE, and only a few unexpected State of Origin series wins got him back in the good books. With some. Probably not anyone on the Gold Coast. Correction: Not any of the 3,483 genuine rugby league fans on the Gold Coast. I do wonder if Gold Coast Mayor Quimby, I mean Tom Tate has any thoughts on DCE.
What’s worse about it all is Channel Nein and Fox League scrapping over the who has more exclusive news, or who broke what first about the DCE saga. Fox League even ran an article about a producer bringing a note into the live NRL360 show to reveal the secret. Almost like notes being passed around in the classroom.
Sadly the note was about DCE breaking up with Manly and not “Braith, tell Buzz he is rugby league’s biggest f–kwit and he should do himself and rugby league a favour by dunking his head in a bucket of water live on TV for the next two minutes”.
On top of that being the worse, Fox League asked Cooper Cronk his opinion. As ever I woke up after that conversation had finished.
Of course Cooper Cronk was in a similar position to DCE is now. I just don’t care. About Cronk or DCE. Then or now.
I do care about this week’s tips. Well except Eels v Dragons.
The NRL Donkey’s 2025 NRL Round 5 Expert Tips
CANBERRA v CRONULLA
Hang on….(checks diary) it’s not June, so why are the Raiders on Channel Nein? That usually doesn’t happen until Origin time. Although, since Channel Nein couldn’t be arsed going to the excitement of Las Vegas on a Saturday night to call a game, there’s no way they’ll go to a place like Canberra on a Thursday to call it. Perhaps Channel Nein could get one of the political reporters on Election duty to get involved. How good would it be if you crossed to Peter Harvey, Canberra on the sideline. Well, if he didn’t die more than a decade ago. Or Paul Bongiorno in the commentary box. If he didn’t work for Channel Ten. I only watch Channel Nein four times a year, and that’s for rugby league, so I have no idea who the current Canberra reporters are on Channel Nein. Nor do I care to Google it. Or Bing it. Since we’re talking politics, and Scomo loves the Sharks, F the Sharks, tipping Canberra.
Canberra by 10
PENRITH v NORTH QUEENSLAND
Penrith are yet to win in Australia this season, and the Cowboys got their first win of the season just last week. No wonder this game is at 6pm on a Friday.
Penrith by 20
SOUTH SYDNEY v ROOSTERS
With the Roosters looking a little busted arse, master coach Wayne Bennett will no doubt work his Wayne Bennett magic and give the Roosters another L. Talking of L’s, Latrell is hopefully back this week – I write this on Monday and move on quickly to moan about other sports, so please forgive if there’s no correction. And grow up. If you’re here reading this your expectations are already low.
Souths by 6
PARRAMATTA v ST GEORGE ILLAWARRA
Tipping Parra on the basis of good historical stats and an historic dislike of Flanno.
Parramatta by 1
GOLD COAST v DOLPHINS
No wonder the Dolphins are comfortable on the Gold Coast. There’s plenty of Dolphins at Sea World and the Gold Coast Titans wanted to be called Gold Coast Dolphins before the forward thinking Redcliffe people told them to go and get stuffed. Hopefully for long suffering Dolphins fans, there’s some more stuffing than Build-a-Bear Workshop coming the Titans way this Saturday.
Dolphins by 18
BRISBANE v WESTS TIGERS
Whilst they might not be winning much more this season, yet, the Tigers are at least compeditive Which is great for rugby league. Benji and Co. won last time they made it to Queensland, so why not an upset here to make all the good folk in Tigerland and the Big Fish Tavern happy.
Tigers by 8
MANLY v MELBOURNE
It’s hard to know what will be the biggest replayed fight heading into this weekend’s clash at Brookvale. The Adam Blair v Stewart brother tag team battle royale (no cheese) or the fight between DCE and Manly, or the fight between Channel Nein and Fox League to who broke what of the story, or the final battle of how much I will care about this game with the Japanese Grand Prix on. Lucky DCE doesn’t play for Red Bull.
Manly by 6
BULLDOGS v NEWCASTLE
Bulldogs approaching real deal territory. I’m approaching the limits of things to say.
Bulldogs by 10.
READ MORE FROM ROUND 4 and 5:
2025 NRL Season Preview Stuff
We’ve done a lot of stuff ahead of the new NRL season, and here it all is.
Yep, still flogging it. Like a dead horse. Not donkey.
READ MORE: THE GURGLER’S 2025 NRL SEASON SPECIALS
NRL DONKEY’S 2025 NRL SEASON PREVIEW
NRL 2025 SEASON LADDER PREDICTIONS
WOODEN SPOONERS 2025 NRL HEADLINES
WHY YOUR TEAM CAN’T WIN THE NRL 2025 PREMIERSHIP
