Faster than a McLaren, more expendable than a couple of Daniel Ricciardos, with less point than a pair of Saubers, it’s the F1 Donkey with a unique view on F1 and more. Before each race The F1 Donkey puts the ass in sass and unloads his alternative, slightly unhinged thoughts on F1 including this week’s 2024 Bold US Grand Prix Predictions and more.
The F1 Donkey’s Pre US Grand Prix Thoughts
Three weeks is a long time in F1, and most sports. Well not football, that never seems to end. And three weeks is not and never enough of the European Cricket Championships. But the gap between the last race and the upcoming one is way too long. Especially when they cram in three races in three weeks. And when there’s too long a gap, people fill it with rubbish. Like the many, many Daniel Ricciardo stories, and continued coverage of McLaren team orders, and of course no coverage of Lance Stroll. Because he sucks.
And you know who else suck? Red Bull.
They have become more Eastenders than Championship contenders, with the handling of the team that lost one race in 2023 almost laughable, if it weren’t so funny to see them not winning.
Of course like any good (bad) soapie there’s an evil bad guy, and Helmut Marko plays the Paul Robinson so well. Both are so ruthless, yet successful and don’t care who doesn’t like them. And most don’t. We picture him sitting in a Lassiter’s style office barking orders and throwing Paul Robinson style hand grenades around the F1 community. We know that Alan Dale wouldn’t approve with the sternest of looks aimed at Helmut Marko. Although, not sure if Alan Dale, famous for playing Paul Robinson’s father Jim, and less famous for anything after that, is still alive. (Checks Wikipedia) He is.
But is Christian Horner the good guy? He’s no Alf. Who is? Maybe Home & Away’s Alf could do a better job running Red Bull. Sure there’d be more flamin’s, and other G Rated cursing, but Alf wouldn’t be putting up with rubbish either. Running the Red Bull team like he runs the Summer Bay Surf Club. Alf wouldn’t have allowed anyone else to win a race in 2023. Certainly not anyone from Yabby Creek, or having any association with the River Boys. And Sergio Perez would have been gone a long time ago. Alf isn’t putting up with his mediocrity.
One does wonder who the F1 driver is that would be one of the Rivers Boys. Probably Esteban Ocon, he seems to be rebellious type that doesn’t care who likes him or not. Former Red Bull protégé Dan Ticktum certainly would have been a River Boy. Angry, angry young man. But entertaining and fast.
So clearly Red Bull are going to have to settle for Horner over Alf. But should they? No. If anyone is to blame for Red Bull sucking this season it’s him. Anyone who creates a situation that makes Adrian Newey leave, Max Verstappen angry and Daniel Ricciardo given a cardboard box coffin style F1 career send off a race before the USGP where the Australian is more popular than 50 Spice Girls shouldn’t be still in charge.
Who knows, maybe he won’t be for long. Our F1 Headlines team have found out all the behind the scenes at Red Bull if you care to read.
But I curse Red Bull and their handling of all their drivers in 2024. It has created a glut of endless driver this and Jericho that stories throughout the season that I’m sick of. I certainly don’t like the cut of any of their jibs. Although most won’t know what a jib is, the fact that it is a Red Bull jib means that those not in the know won’t like it regardless. Those that know jibs would certainly not approve.
Red Bull as a team and the soap opera that has ensured has made Max Verstappen 20 times more likeable this season. And he’s not an easy person to like. Unlike Sergio Perez, who is as likeable this season as last. And that equilibrium is generous.
But what can we do? Seems we’re all stuck with their BS for a while longer, which is coincidental given the half of their name is in the word bullsh!t. Maybe that should be their 2024 Season Review book title. If teams do that anymore. What a shame social media has destroyed the book. Maybe Red Bull owners will end up being sick of everyone’s sh!t (bullsh!t of course) and sell the team for a couple of billions (multiple currencies available) to people who can’t afford to cheat European football any longer.
Then Red Bull can go back to doing what Red Bull do best. Sponsorship insane sports people doing insane things that only Red Bull can. Like pole vaulting over the Amazon River. Like a Jet Pack race across the Tasman Sea. Like nail gun catching. Like some kind of fire walking World Championship or Volcano diving.
All of those are insane, yet somehow feel safer than being around the Red Bull F1 team at the moment.
The NRL Donkey’s Bold 2024 US Grand Prix Predictions
And here they are, in a convenient team by team format, so you can ignore Kick/Stake/Sauber at your convenience. The F1 TV Cameras do.
RED BULL
Sergio Perez to miss out on Q3. Max Verstappen limited to fifth place and unleash an epic post-race spray.
McLAREN
Lando Norris wins the main race from pole. Oscar Piastri win the Sprint Race.
MERCEDES
Lewis Hamilton claims sabotage as his car break with ten laps to go while in second place. Of course George Russell steals that podium.
FERRARI
Americans to mis-pronounce both Charles Leclerc and Carlos Sainz’s names.
ASTON MARTIN
Lance Stroll to run into someone. Perhaps of the Alpine’s. They don’t seem to care anymore.
RB VISA CASH APP
Liam Lawson to underwhelm, proving it’s the car after all. Yuki Tsunoda to swear t someone on the radio.
ALPINE
The other Alpine car blows their engine. Sabotage from the French engine builders after they were told to shove the 2026 engine up their …… by the Alpine bosses.
WILLIAMS
Both make Q3, one scores points, undecided which one yet.
HAAS
Nico Hulkenberg to pull out one of those special laps and qualify fourth. Kevin Magnussen to steal 10th on the last lap.
SAUBER
To make little to no difference.
F1 2024 Season Stats
And some proper stats to ensure this is more of an F1 article.
