Angrier than a room full of Fox League writers and NRL 360 hosts, slower but better than a Bunker decision, with more longevity than a defeated Grand Final coach, it’s time for the weekly Rugby League rant of The Gurgler’s NRL Donkey, who provides his 2024 NRL Grand Final Predictions & Thoughts as well as offers an alternative, slightly unhinged view full of sass of the world of rugby league and beyond for another week.
The NRL Donkey’s Bold 2024 NRL Grand Final Thoughts
So it has come to this, a Melbourne Storm v Penrith Panthers Grand Final, an end result as predictable as a Home and Away cliffhanger, a coach being sacked within a month of getting “the full support of the board”, or an election eventually descending into someone being accused of eating someone’s pet.
Going back to Home and Away for a second, if any country town had as much crime and caravan explosions per capita as Summer Bay there would be a Senate enquiry with many a politician standing there promising swift action against those responsible. The Opposition leader would demand action, and so they should. The River Boys have got away with too much for too long. Perhaps Alf should run for the local MP job, although it always goes to the people in the big smoke of Yabby Creek. Much like Queensland. So that makes Brisbane Yabby Creek. Fair enough. It’s also a bit like Murder She Wrote where a murder happened every time a little old lady arrived in town. If I was a law enforcement professional I know who I’d be listening to, not the little old lady where murder seems to follow. Although, given her actress died recently I guess we don’t need to listen to her either.
But moving forward to the Grand Final and there’s lots at stake for these sides. For Penrith, a win could almost justifiably call them the best NRL team of the modern era. Making five straight Grand Finals and winning a modernly historic four in a row would be hard to beat. It’s no St George in the 50’s and 60’s, and who knows it might end up being that and more, but this modern era is much harder to win rolling titles being the athleticism required, the money involved, the salary cap, and the lack of on-field punching and almost criminal levels of aggression. Especially given the Bulldogs/Wests Tigers can only take one or two Penrith players a season. A loss could unfairly, but that won’t stop Twitter, saying that Penrith aren’t quite the mega club that Melbourne is, if they lose it is two Grand Final losses in a row to the Storm and legacy has an asterisk. And possibly two fingers extended from Molly Meldrum in the direction of Penrith. If he knew where it was. And I’m not saying he doesn’t.
For Melbourne, they need to win to remove a bit of a reputation as finals choker. Please don’t tell Craig Bellamy I said that though, He scares me. If he read this I could almost feel the laser-like hatred burn through the monitor. And a Storms win would give the many, many Melburnian rugby fans so many reasons to celebrate. By the end of the night their voices would be sore, the arms tired from waving various scarves and banners, and 90% would be able to remember at least two players names. Although we’d bet none could remember Trent Loiero, although people who like a high proportion of vowels in their rugby league players surnames would. That’s only Victorian-based Storms fans by the way. I wouldn’t pick on genuine Melbourne fans who are among the most knowledgeable, and like their coach, scary.
Although, I wouldn’t want to walk through Penrith with a Storm jersey on if the Panthers lose the Grand Final either.
Mainly because I don’t live in Sydney, nor do I own a Storm jersey or have any inclination to buy one and wear it. And if I was walking anywhere in western Sydney it would be the Rooty Hill RSL.
But it’s all about legacy this game, and one that could define the NRL’s champion team. Or let’s hope it is just that.
Who knows, perhaps jealous of the attention the actual rugby league teams get, the NRL Bunker will try and force their legacy on the game. They have form this season, and occasionally referees have form in Grand Finals too, which is and was unfair on Canberra. But let’s hope the Bunker remembers it’s place. Nowhere near the actual ground where the game is being played and gives itself a $1 to shut up.
Talking of form, one does wonder if Tina Arena will make a surprise cameo in the NRL Grand Final show with a walk-on as sucksessful as her AFL Grand Final effort. Although how she slots into Kid LAROI’s act is hard to work out. Mainly because I don’t know any of their songs. My IPod doesn’t have songs made this millennium, which is probably bad for my personal development, but not Arrested Development. They were good. For such a short time. Especially that song about Mr Wendell. Perhaps there’s your cameo walk-on. Kid Laroi doing Arrested Development’s Mr Wendell, and then Wendell Sailor comes on stage at the start of verse two. Talk about giving the fans something special. Not Meatloaf special. Nor Billy Idol hovercraft special. Proper special.
But one wonders why we need Grand Final entertainment at all. Can’t we just play 30 minutes of season highlights and bloopers? The time when the entertainment is on is when I get the party pies ready for the game. I need to do it early so they aren’t Chernobyl levels of hot that instantly melt the roof of your mouth with a single bite. With a pain that lasts longer than the hangovers of the eventual winner of the Grand Final. Although there is a fine art to it, as if you let them go too long they reach Servo levels of luke-cold awfulness and then you can really taste the grissle and the horse. But I say that quietly, as I live in a stable next to horses. Of course Party Pies go with Sausage Rolls, which are always served with a side on Mylanta shots, as there is 99.4% chance that eating a Sausage Roll will give you heartburn. If heartburn persists contact your local chemist or Fire Station.
Snacks aside, leaving entertainment where it belongs, and diving into some actual rugby league, here are my fearless predictions for the 2024 NRL Grand Final. Notice I don’t say “Big Dance”, because that’s stupid and lame. Used by Morning Breakfast shows in between the same Breaking Overnight news every half an hour and two talking heads arguing with each other about stuff that normal people don’t care about. Mostly people who care watch Sky News up late, but who aren’t watching Sky News early in the morning because all they have on is news, and not conservative talking heads all bashing Labor about stuff.
So onto the NRL’s Donkey’s 2024 NRL Grand Final Bold Predictions. I don’t why I referred to myself in the third person. And why is it the third person. And what is the second person doing while the first and the third person are talking. Maybe they’re on Sky News. Maybe they’re in Summer Bay planning to blow up the next caravan. Maybe they are playing Queen of the Nile at the Rooty Hill RSL. Or going to Peter Wynn’s Superstore to buy a Storm jersey to walk down the main street of Penrith. Not in Melbourne, one day after the Grand Final they won’t care. Or maybe, they are patiently waiting for this rot to stop and want to see what the bold predictions actually are. Fair enough.
The NRL Donkey’s Bold 2024 NRL Grand Final Predictions
2024 NRL GRAND FINAL WINNER
It’s almost too hard to pick. So much on the line. So scared of offending either sets of fans. So I’ll chicken out and go with the home team by two points.
Melbourne by 2
2024 NRL CLIVE CHURCHILL MEDAL WINNER
It would be easy to say Jahrome Hughes, as he has been the best player this season. Or Dylan Edwards as he is usually the best player in every game. But that would be boring. And I want someone with a bit of anger, a bit of mongrel. Someone you’re not quite sure if they will swear or not during the acceptance speech.
So that leaves Liam Martin with his concrete smashing stare and unloveable larrikin Harry Grant as the two picks in a tight game for the top gong.
Liam Martin / Harry Grant
OTHER BOLD PREDICTIONS
- On field melee within the first five minutes.
- One NRL Bunker destroying rugby league with a bad No Try call between the 50th and 60th
- Dylan Edwards to run for 5,000 metres.
- Xavier Coates to pull off a try in the corner where he ends up do a handstand with the ball.
- Some Storms fans to cry out “Ballllllll” early in the game. Most of those fans will re-connect with the Storm next October.
