Angrier than a room full of Fox League writers and NRL 360 hosts, slower than a Bunker decision, less popular than a Broncos coach, luckier than a rugby league player who gets pulled over for a drug test and fails but the police leave before the second test can be done, it’s time for the weekly Rugby League rant of The Gurgler’s NRL Donkey, who provides his NRL Finals Week 1 Expert Tips as well as offers an alternative, slightly unhinged view full of sass of the world of rugby league and beyond for another week.
The NRL Donkey’s NRL Finals Week 1 Weekly Rant
It’s a big week for the NRL, and they’ve already ticked the usual boxes ahead of the first week of the finals.
Defending the NRL Bunker after another sh!t weekend? Check.
Another player with a powder scandal? Check.
All that’s missing is Phil Rothfield aka Buzz aka the Rugby League Grinch having another go at Phil Gould aka Gus. But given the recent saga surrounding Josh Addo-Carr, Bulldogs and Gus, Buzz will surely try and stick the boot in when he can.
Given the big event in world news this week is the US Presidential Debate, perhaps we can replicate that in Australia for rugby league fans. Buzz v Gus together on stage at last for a rugby league debate and more. Hold it at the Rooty Hill RSL and televise live on Fox League and Channel Nein.
If you think about it, Buzz is a lot like Donald Trump. Old, grumpy, seems to hate most things, gets way too much airtime on TV and radio, and lies a lot about everything. Difference is Donald Trump is at least liked by 47% of the public, or the voting public, if you believe polls. Buzz may have a four or a seven in his popularity rating, but there would be a lot of zeroes in front of it.
Maybe 0.4%? No, lower. 0.004%? Hmmm, na still too high. OK how about 0.000000047% of Australia’s population approves of Buzz. Doing some maths whilst standing in Officeworks using up all their fancy gold pens on a big A2 notebook I’m not going to pay for, I think works out to be at least one person. So either he is the only person in Australia that likes himself, which is possible, but since he hates everything, how could he then like anything. Or he hates himself, which is certainly possible, and only one of his family likes him. I’m not sure of his family situation, nor am I interested in it past this paragraph and the low grade joke I’m trying to serve up. Although the NRL Bunker would probably rule that everyone likes him, and Graham Annesley would defend them on Monday. Graham Annesley’s Wikipedia page says he’s a former politician, which just about sums him up, and his usefulness to the game.
Back to the Old Dinosaurs Rugby League Debate.
So that would then make Gus Gould the Kamala Harris of the debate. Which doesn’t quite work on many levels. Gus is more like Joe Biden really. As in, he’s old but much harder to hate than his opponent. But Gus can actually talk, so is probably not a Joe Biden either.
I’m not sure if Gus v Buzz would be enough for pay per view, given you already get one side of the battle on NRL360 most nights, but we’re sure with the right moderator to lob in some conversational hand grenades it will be dynamite viewing.
Andrew Voss would be a good moderator if you need a rugby league person. A few years ago we may have suggested TV’s Andrew O’Keeffe, but given his recent legal issues, that’s probably not a good idea as there may be availability issues. Or maybe it is a good idea, it would certainly liven up the debate with AOK in current form. Especially if there’s gear involved. John Howard loves his rugby league, and being a part time spin bowler for Australia would probably be up for it too.
For conversation starters you could start with the Bunker and go from there. A few solid hours of rugby league debate awaits, if the NRL have the foresight to do it. Which they do sometimes, like Las Vegas. And they don’t on other occasions, like Ashley Klein.
But it will never happen, because it would be excellent. So instead I’ll have to turn my attention to the tips for each game below.
The NRL Donkey’s NRL Finals Week 1 Expert Tips
PENRITH v ROOSTERS
Forget key injuries, Roosters can’t win the comp based on their stats against the top two. Since 2020 one win in 20 matches v Penrith and Melbourne. Oh, and Nathan Cleary is back for the Panthers. Oh, and no one likes the Roosters. Although looking at the full top eight, has there been a less likeable top eight ever?
Penrith by 10
MELBOURNE v CRONULLA
Cronulla have won only one of the nine finals games they’ve played since the 2016 premiership, which was drought breaking and others say debatable. Their opponents this weekend know a thing of two about a tainted title. This finals series needs an upset, and Melbourne have a peculiarly ordinary record at AAMI Park v Sydney teams on a Saturday. Cronulla are 50% more likeable when former Storm star Nicho Hynes plays for them. But is all that enough to tip them. No.
Melbourne by 2
NORTH QUEENSLAND v NEWCASTLE
The Cowboys are the lone Queensland side to support in the final series, unless you are some kind of strange, hateful person. Who could hate the Cowboys. They are so likeable. Certainly not Bob Katter, he only hates crocodiles. But my, how he hates crocodiles. Newcastle have Kalyn Ponga, but they also have a terrible 15% away finals win record and a solid zero wins away to the other top eight sides this year.
North Queensland by 20
BULLDOGS v MANLY
Josh Addo-Carr is missing for this clash, due to filming commitments for a new Reality TV show, so the Bulldogs will be missing a bit of speed out wide. Not that we’re accusing anyone of anything. After both sides entered the finals with terrible home losses in the last round of the season, and because both sides are quite polarising, which is a nice way of putting not well liked, it’s hard to know who to pick here. Manly have won 10 of the last 11 games v Bulldogs. Manly have won just one of their 14 away finals games since 1998.
Manly by 12
