Our ever-grumpy friend the NRL Donkey has changed hats and sports but will still provide expert tips along with a double decker bus of opinion, starting with this week’s Premier League Week 1 Tips and Opinion.
Putting the ass in sass the EPL Donkey will offer his thoughts on the week that was or will be, often with little to do with football, before launching into his Premier League Week 1 Tips for the punters and fans.
The EPL Donkey’s Weekly Rant
A new Premier League season, a new opportunity for someone to win something. That someone being Manchester City, unless they are relegated by the Premier League Management determining they have been taking the piss out of financial fairplay for a decade. Imagine Manchester City in the Championship playing Stoke on a cold Tuesday night, or at Millwall on any old day. Haaland would score 80 odd goals in the Championship, if he stayed, which he wouldn’t. He’d wanna be quick if he nets a hattrick at Millwall.
The other hope for non Manchester City fans is that Pep takes on the England national job. We will then surely see if he is the greatest manager on earth. Currently England’s most successful manager came from Ipswich Town. And possibly the next best after Gareth Southgate.
Talking of Ipswich Town they are back, and you can see from my photo attached to this drivel that I’m a fan. Long before Ed Sheeran popped his mop into grandstands, remembering when Marcus Stewart took the league by storm, and Ipswich had a player from Iceland they called “The Hermanator”. Quality stuff. Prior to that it was all about their jersey with Fisons on it. Ot sure what they did, but when they did it, Ipswich were a regular top flight team. They finished 5th the last time they were promoted into the Premier League, which was quite extraordinary then and would be doubly so now. If that happened, which it won’t. But as Gloria Gaynor sang, and to a lesser extent the band Cake spoke, I will Survive. Well I won’t, but Ipswich will. This season.
It would be nice if the other two promoted sides survived as well. Leicester look the dodgier of the two with Financial problems. Leicester should have followed Chelsea’s route and signed a million players on 25 year deals which includes Pensions and/or Superannuation payments. Saints apparently go marching in, so on that alone I think they’ll be safe.
So that leaves a few bigger clubs on the brink of the Championship, and Everton are primed to turn mediocrity into fully blown busted arse. Other clubs to be relegated depends on how terribly the owners run the club, and how many managers they sack. A lot of contenders to choose from.
If Manchester City are joining Everton, and one other non-promoted club in relegation, that then leaves an open goal for the title. Can Arsenal be trusted, or will they usurped by the hype of Ange-ball. Not forgetting that Australians really know how to move, refer Olympic Break Dancing. There’s always Liverpool, who have 100% less
Klopp this season which instantly makes them 50% as interesting as last season. If Mo Salah goes to Saudi Arabia that will drop even further. Not as bad as Man Utd, but still bad. Then there’s Chelsea, who are going to need a new Stadium just to fit in all the luxury cars of the 743 players they have on their books. Or a secret branch off the District Line to their very own private Underground Station. That is something that the guy from TV Tim Dunn would really love. That man loves train, he really does. But having all those players can’t be good. You can sort-of imagine the dressing room to be a really boring version of Big Brother. Actually, wait a minute, that would be hard to do.
The end of the season is a long time away, so it almost seems pointless to try and choose winners in nine months time. Especially when this week’s opening round of tips will probably earn me a terrible 3/10. So follow them at your peril.
The EPL Donkey’s Week 1 Premier League Tips
MAN UTD v FULHAM
You’d think the novelty of Man Utd not winning stuff would have worn off by now. But it hasn’t. Fulham may annoy them too, as they have done some good transfer business. As ever Man Utd’s is less good. But they should still be better than Fulham.
Man Utd 2 Fulham 1
IPSWICH v LIVERPOOL
Everyone says Ipswich will get pumped in their first game back in the Premier League. I disagree.
Ipswich 2 Liverpool 1
ARSENAL v WOLVES
Arse-nal to give Wolves’ Premier League campaign the bum steer. Wolves are a little Seventh Day Adventist against Arsenal too, they’ve done nothing against them in 14 games on a Saturday.
Arsenal 4 Wolves 0
EVERTON v BRIGHTON
Is this the season Everton finally go down to compound the recent years of misery on and off the field? Probably. Brighton have a new manager that most have probably never heard of, who will probably kill it, until he is poached by a higher team in eight months.
Everton 0 Brighton 2
NEWCASTLE v SOUTHAMPTON
Newcastle will be popular with people in Newcastle, Saudi Arabia and Fantasy Premier League managers everywhere. Unless Isak doesn’t score. Nice to see Southampton back, but they probably won’t win this.
Newcastle 3 Southampton 0
NOTTINGHAM FOREST v BOURNEMOUTH
The most likely 3pm Saturday game is kicking off at just that time. At least there should be goals – 13 in the last three at this ground between these sides. Although Bournemouth will probably score less now they sold their striker.
Nottingham Forest 3 Bournemouth 1
WEST HAM v ASTON VILLA
How long until David Moyes is back. Not yet, Bowen has some goals in him.
West Ham 2 Aston Villa 1
BRENTFORD v CRYSTAL PALACE
Crystal Palace tend to get results in runs, and often their early season form is crap.
Brentford 0 Crystal Palace 2
CHELSEA v MAN CITY
Chelsea still have time to sign another 370 players before the Transfer Window closes. Man City don’t need to do so, as they have one Haaland. One wonders if this will be one of those really dull early season clashes between big sides, who will be continually looking over their shoulder at potential financial penalties. Talking of penalties, that will probably be the only score.
Chelsea 0 Man City 1
LEICSTER v SPURS
Imagine what Big Ange can do with an even better side this season. Let the hype begin, again.
Leicester 0 Spurs 3
