A peaceful Australia Day party has been ruined by a ‘patriotic’ Australian.
Sarah had organised a quiet Australia Day party for her friends. Mindful of the negative implications of the day, she didn’t put up any Aussie-themed decorations and avoided the usual ‘bogan rock’ hits when compiling her Spotify playlist, instead choosing modern Australian pop and rock artists.
But the day was ruined when a surprise guest – named Macca – turned up around lunchtime.
“I have no idea where he came from or how he knew about the party,” said Sarah. “But he looked like someone out of an old Paul Hogan sketch: gaudy Aussie flag hat and thongs, footy shorts, an old Aussie World Series Cricket jersey, and a six pack of VB under his arm.”
And Macca started causing trouble immediately.
“First he complained about the lack of Aussie flags and then whinged that he didn’t know any of my ‘soft c**k’ songs and demanded that I put on ‘real Aussie music’ like Jimmy Barnes, Cold Chisel, or Midnight Oil,” said Sarah. “Which I refused to of course. I worked hard on my playlist.”
But the worst part came when he began laying into the VBs and went on a long rant about why Australia was the greatest country on Earth and that anyone who disagreed was a ‘soy woke beta cuck!’ And then he started picking on the darker-skinned guests, telling them to ‘f***k off back to povvo land’, even though these guests were born and bred in Australia and had international parents.
“Even though he insulted my friends, I felt sorry for him: he had no idea what he was talking about and was just parroting whatever rant he’d heard on Sky News,” said Sarah, “I’m surprised nobody walked out.”
But fortunes turned when Macca went to the bottle shop at 2pm, after finishing his six pack, and didn’t return.
“I have no idea where he went and I don’t care. But I did buy a big chocolate cake to say sorry for the horrible intruder. We had a lovely time after that.”
Though Everyday News Staff Writers can reveal what happened to Macca.
“He was walking to the bottle shop when he saw a pub with the banner, ‘It’s Australia Day! Not Woke-stralia Day!’ Come in and celebrate!'” said an anonymous staff writer. “That was like the Bat Signal to old mate. He didn’t come out until after midnight.”
