The New Premier League season is here, and for most fans it is an exciting time of anticipation before reality kicks in, so to counter all the excitement, anticipation and joy, we’re going full Eeyore with our next installment of 2023-24 Premier League Season Predictions and boldly declare why your team can’t win the Premier League.
Ours is a club by club guide of negativity using stats where possible to pour the coldest of water on your pre-season hype. Although, essentially it means no team will win the Premier League.
And we have also done proper 2023-24 Premier League Season Predictions here.
2023-24 Premier League Season Predictions – Why Your Team Can’t Win the League
Club by Club Guide
ARSENAL
We were going to say that a team that finishes second rarely goes on to win the title the next season, but that’s not quite true. It has happened 12 times since 1992-93.
Arsenal only kept four clean sheets at home last season. The best was Man Utd on 11.
ASTON VILLA
We could probably blame their most famous fan (Prince William)on it and we will.
BOURNEMOUTH
No team has won a Premier League further south than Chelsea. Portsmouth won two old first first division titles between 1948 and 1950.
BRENTFORD
We were going to say clean sheets, but Brentford actually were equal first fir clean sheets v big six clubs last season with four – with Newcastle and Liverpool. So better look for another one.
BRIGHTON
Because it would be just way too good for it to happen.
BURNLEY
A team hasn’t won the top flight in their first season of promotion since 1978 hen Nottingham Forest did it. Amazingly they went on to win consecutive European Cups too.
CHELSEA
Chelsea were one of two teams not to win any games v a big six club last season. Chelsea actually scored the equal fewest goals v big six teams last season – five. Although Chelsea did have two fewer games to compete against the big six clubs, their record of five goals and D4 L6 is still bad.
CRYSTAL PALACE
A London team outside of Arsenal/Chelsea haven’t won a First Division / Premier League title since 1961.
Because instead of hiring Roy Hodgson to save their season, they are starting with him.
And Crystal Palace also failed to beat a big six team last season – their record was D3 L9.
EVERTON
Everton scored the fewest goals at home last season and also had the lowest home points per game of the teams that survived.
And because season finishing positions of 12, 10, 16, 17 in the last four seasons is bad enough for a team not yet relegated, let alone winning a title.
FULHAM
They won one and lost 11 games last year against top six sides (top six at time of game) and if they can’t beat top six teams they can’t win title.
LIVERPOOL
Because Liverpool haven’t won a Premier League title without Jordan Henderson.
LUTON TOWN
No team has won a Premier League title with an orange kit.
MANCHESTER CITY
Because since 1992-93, the English team to win the Champions League the season before have “only” gone on to win the league the next season every second time. Following this sequence from Man Utd’s 1998-99 Champions League triumph.
Although this sequence actually points to Yes being next, so…….Yes No Yes No Yes No…..
How about Pep has never won four league titles in a row as a manager?
And no team has won four top flight titles in a row.
MANCHESTER UNITED
Because their owners will be more worried about making money from the club than winning anything.
A Dutch manager has never won the Premier League.
NEWCASTLE
No English manager has won the Premier League title. Last Englishman to lead a team to top flight glory was Howard Wilkinson in charge of Leeds in the final season before Premier League kicked off.
NOTTINGHAM FOREST
The lowest total of away points that a Premier League Champion has scored in the last ten seasons was 34. And the average of away points for the last ten Premier League champions is 42 points. Nottingham Forest scored eight points away from home last season.
SHEFFIELD UNITED
A team with stripes as their normal kit haven’t won a First Division title since 1936 when Sunderland won it.
TOTTENHAM
No Harry Kane.
WEST HAM UNITED
Because their manager for now is David Moyes, who is yet to and will likely never win a Premier League title.
West Ham (and coincidentally when previously talking about David Moyes) and Everton were the only sides not to win a midweek game on Tuesday, Wednesday of Thursday last season. And if you can’t win those crucial midweek catch up games, you can’t win the title.
WOLVES
Because any team that has a manager leave within a week of the season starting surely can’ win the Premier League.
Wolves scored just 31 goals last season.
Wolves lost all six away games to big six clubs last season without scoring a goal. That may be the least of their worries for this season, but also means, like the other 19 clubs above them, they can’t win the Premier League.
