Welcome to the regular Bazz Wrathfield column, where our most senior rugby league writer uses his decades of experience and bitterness to discuss and moan about the big news stories in rugby league. And with the new season not far from starting, Bazz applies the wettest blankets across your team’s chances of winning the 2023 NRL Premiership.
Other rugby league websites and journalists will try for bold predictions and reasons for your team to win in 2023, not Bazz. His unique mixture of experience, apparent hatred of rugby league despite that experience, and general Eeyore-like gloominess means if there’s any reason your team can’t win, he’ll find it.
So if you’re looking for a reason to book your holidays in September with confidence your team won’t make the finals then here is Bazz Wrathfield’s Reasons Your Team Can’t Win the 2023 NRL Premiership. And with one for every team, it essentially means no one will win the 2023 NRL Premiership, except for the peddlers of rubbish and hate like Bazz Wrathfield.
Why Your Team Can’t Win the 2023 NRL Premiership
According the “Senior” league reporter Bazz Wrathfield
In order of Sportsbet Odds
PENRITH
“No one has won three premierships in a row since I was in my late 30’s, so I just can;t see it being done. And no Api Koroisau guiding them around the field. No Billy Kikau terrorising defences out wide. And my mate Kaul Pent seems to hate Jarome Luai. Well, like a lot of people do.”
ROOSTERS
“There hasn’t been a Salary Cap scandal for a few years, and the NRL may feel like launching one to get the heat off them from the EBA with RLPA. My mail suggests that it will be the Roosters that they investigate. I mean throwing a lazy Dom Young who priced himself out of other clubs….”
STORM
“Injuries, mainly. Papenhuyzen is gone along with Justin Olam. Their backline is barely Qld Cup without those two. Plus the loss of their experienced players to the Dolphins, and the fact that most people in their state still thinks it’s rugby.”
RABBITOHS
“Well we seem to blame a lot of things on Latrell if things go wrong, so may as well throw this out there early enough. He might have a brainsnap or two in him. And you can be sure when he does that I and the Fox League Writers will be there to pour on as much tsk tsking as possible”
COWBOYS
“I wonder if the element of surprise is gone for the Cowboys this season. And they’ll have a much harder draw.”
SHARKS
“If Scott Morrison attends a game and smugs it up, then we’ll blame him. In fact my sources say he’s secretly become a board members and one of the trainers”
EELS
“Got a great stat – Only five times since 1998 has a losing Grand Finalist gone on to win the premiership the next year. Between 2006 and 2008 it happened three times in a row with Melbourne and Manly. And again in 2016 (Melbourne) and 2021 (Penrith). And Parra’s record after losing a Grand Final is pretty bad. They finished 6th in 2002 and 12th in 2010 after Grand Final losses. No team has won a comp from 6th or 12th.”
BRONCOS
“Ill discipline seems the key here for Brisbane. There’s already one in legal trouble, Reece Walsh probably isn’t far off his next indiscretion, and then there’s the players bagging the coach. Players do talk sh!t from time to time, but there has to be something to it. Nothing but trouble is all I can see.”
MANLY
“Because if their season can unravel so badly because of a thin strip on a jersey, who the hell knows what will upset them this season.”
RAIDERS
“Ricky Stuart or the Canberra Weather.”
BULLDOGS
“Because Gus Gould will slowly and surely undermine Cameron Ciraldo, then take all the credit for anything that goes good at the club. Then go on a few rants and crusades on his podcast and Channel Nein. It will be all Gus, all the time. He’s a good administrator no doubt, but the club will only win after he leaves. Plus something about a drone.”
TIGERS
“Although it’s great to see the Benji Marshall-Tim Sheens partnership back, my Fox League colleagues have been bashing the Wests Tigers and Luke Brooks so much it’ hard to see them turning around that much. Maybe a midfield finish, say 9th?
TITANS
“Because, let’s face it, nothing wins on the Gold Coast. Unless someone can remember the Daikyo Dolphins. Hiring Kieran Foran to be your saviour is a worry too at his age.”
DRAGONS
“They have a coach that’s more unpopular than I am”
WARRIORS
“Because the Warriors can’t win away from home.” (checks notes) “OK, so they do win away from home now and again, but not enough if they want to win the competition.”
For the record, the Warriors have the second worst away record for the past ten seasons with a win % of 31%.
DOLPHINS
“Squad looks pretty weak, and it took the Origin filled Broncos five seasons to win anything from when they started in 1988”
KNIGHTS
“Take your pick. You can easily blame the coach, as he comes across as real turd. And when they fire him and don’t start winning then we can easily blame Kalyn Ponga. He only plays three good games a season and at least one of those is for Queensland”
