A happy housecat’s quiet day has been ruined.
With his owner going back to work last Monday, Dexter (a three-year-old Calico cat) has enjoyed the run of HIS house again, and is content to spend it napping in the sunny spot near the big bay window, grazing at his dry food, and occasionally jumping up on to the bay windowsill to watch the world go by.
But that peace was destroyed with Dexter’s owner came home about 6pm.
In a clatter of terrifying noise, Dexter’s owner Sarah scooped him up and said – in a high-pitched and whiny ‘baby voice’ – “Did you miss your mummy? Did you miss your mummy? Mummy missed you so much! You’re such a handsome baby boy! Yes, you are”, while burying her face in Dexter’s fur.
Offended by this sudden onslaught of affection, Dexter raced away to the spare room (which used to be Sarah’s WFH office during the pandemic) and began the painstaking task of cleaning himself to get rid of the ‘human’ smell.
“I’m quite fond of my owner, but she smelt like sweat, exhaustion, and coffee. Lots of coffee. It was disgusting,” Dexter told our Everyday News Staff Writers*.
“But I give attention on my terms. I’m happy to brush her leg and maybe give a head boop, even nibble her nose if I’m in a good mood. But I hate being picked up like that. It was fine when I was a kitten, but I’m three whole human years old now!”
But Dexter’s grooming session was pleasantly interrupted when Sarah gave him some wet food for dinner, which he wolfed down.
The rest of the night was fine, with Sarah watching some mindless cop show on TV while Dexter snoozed next to her.
“I have no idea what they’re saying, but the flashing lights and human white noise lulls me to sleep,” said Dexter. “She like watching that crap, I like sleep, everyone wins.”
With Sarah back in the office full-time, Dexter has a plan to avoid a repeat of the afternoon cuddles.
“As soon as I hear her come in, I’m going to race to the bedroom and pretend to be asleep. She can pat me if she wants and maybe do her silly baby talk, but as far as she knows I’m in dreamland.”
*-Because our writers can somehow talk to and understand animals. Just go with it.
Everyday News is a brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of The Betoota Advocate. We swear.
