The producers of long-running talent-reality show Aussie Talent Star Search (or ATSS for short) have been busy searching for the next great talent, but not the one you’d expect.
With the blind auditions booked, Rove McManus hosting (after signing a squillion dollar contract) and two out of three judges sorted, there’s one piece of the puzzle left.
The ‘mean’ judge.
“The judging panels on these ‘talent’ shows are a delicate balance,” said one ATSS producer who chose to remain anonymous. “We have one international pop superstar whose career has waned enough that they’re available, and one local superstar who also doesn’t have anything better on. We’ve got Katy Perry* and Tones and I all locked in for those roles. Now we just need the ‘mean’ judge.”
As the ‘mean’ judge is the most important ‘talent’ on the show (with 95% of the marketing and promotion based around them), the producer explained that picking them can take a while.
But there is a surprise candidate: former PM Scott Morrison.
”ScoMo has all the ingredients of a pantomime villain that our audience will love to hate: he’s narcissistic, a weirdo ‘happy clapper’, he loves his Sharkies, and we all know he loves an inappropriate publicity stunt! He’ll cop the boos from the crowd, lap it up, and come back for more. And he arrogant, s**t-eating smirk is PERFECT for the promos! We’re gonna flog that to death.”
Despite having zero musical knowledge, ScoMo was preferred over comedians Shaun Micallef and Sammy J and Randy.
”We know that Shaun and Sammy/Randy could easily play the ‘mean’ judge, but – as great as they’d be – they’re all way too beloved for their nastiness to be taken seriously,” said the producer.
”One other element is how we can milk any made-up ‘conflict’ between the judges? I can guarantee you that ScoMo will say something dumb enough to p**s off Katy or Tones and then we’ve got dramatic ‘Are the panel in turmoil?’ promos and speculative TV Week articles to last at least a couple of weeks. Again, Shaun and Sammy/Randy are too nice to ruffle feathers like that, but ScoMo has made a habit of p*****g off everyone.”
* = to the Katy Perry fans out there, please save us your social media abuse. The Everyday News Staff Writers like Perry and her Menulog song. But seriously, if you’re doing jingles then you’re probably not that busy…
Everyday News is a brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of ‘The Betoota Advocate’. We swear.
