Local man Frank Bigmoor woke up pretty dusty on Sunday morning, and he knew he was in trouble too. He received a much bigger disapproving stare from his significant other than usual on a Sunday, but why he wondered.
Normally Saturdays involved a few beers, followed by the sweet, sweet refreshment of a few Rum and Cokes, all while watching all three NRL games with increasing impatience towards referees, various teams, Cooper Cronk’s tediously accurate analysis and Michael Ennis’ blokiest commentary in the worrrrrld. But this felt different. And it happened to be a bye this week, so there were no NRL matches.
So as a lot of people do with little memory but nagging regret Frank checked his social media account, and the pieces began to fit together.
Seems Frank went on a Twitter binge yesterday, which of course helped him remember stuff, and the hashtag #6n1 was plastered on his Twitter as much as he increasingly appeared in his short videos.
He slowly started recalling that #6n1 referred to an underground drinking challenge in outer suburban Brisbane that very few knew of, and even fewer have attempted.
The Six and One or #6n1 refers to a drinking challenge at a nearby pub just off and offramp on the Bruce Highway.
The challenge apparently requires “contestants” to purchase a six pack of OP Rum & Cola, plus an additional 750ml beer of the “contestant’s” choice. This is not the hard part of the challenge, but a required starting point.
Once purchased, the “contestant” needs to finish the seven beverages by the time they make it to the Horsewild Mountain servo 15 km away. This has to be by car and the rules apparently state there must be a sober designated driver or the “contestant” is disqualified.
Disregarding the alcohol % for now, the challenge required 3 litres of liquid to be drunk in 15km. Just a lazy 200ml or seven ounces a kilometre. As for time, well if you avoid the weekend peaks where the Bruce Highway is always f—ed, the journey takes 13 minutes, increasing the consumption to 230ml per minute.
As for alcohol % it equates to one standard drink per kilometre. Tough going.
So with all the danger signs of “Bad For Your Health” ignored, Frank Bigmoor had finally worked up the “Dutch” courage to do it after years of promising himself he would.
So after being dropped off at the local at 12pm, Frank Bigmoor’s designated driver arrived at 2pm, his first critical error was to have a few warm-up beers. Any warm-up for that matter. The Works Burger for lunch was also a mistake, not just in hindsight.
Disregarding the poor choices made, Frank Bigmoor purchased the required six pack of OP Rum and Cola and the additional tallie of XXXX. And did his first Facebook Live of the afternoon. Although setting a low bar, it was to be the best Facebook live of the day. Like Frank’s sobriety, Wallet, Friendship with his designated driver, it was all about to go downhill.
It started off well enough, once in the car the 6 ‘n’ 1 challenge could commence and before the car had even been started Frank was halfway through the first OP bullet. By the time he had puts his seatbelt on, one can had been destroyed. Monstered if you will. The quick pace of the first had given Frank watery, googly eyes. The eagle eyed DD enquired about his “back-up plan”, which was a subtle way of asking what he intended to vomit into, and he was going to vomit.
Upon cracking can number two, Frank pointed his pinky to the flimsy plastic bag the six pack had come in. Forward thinking Frank thought to his himself saying yes to the plastic bag at the bottlo.
A minute later and barely out the carpark as they approached the onramp to the highway Frank Bigmoor had completed can number two. Feeling bullish about his chances he got onto Facebook live again, with a ten second ramble about his day with the phrase 6 ‘n’ 1 mentioned at least five times.
Like any middle child, the third can of OP and Cola was a bit of a forgettable, invisible blur. Much like Frank’s vision was beginning to be, not sure if it was the alcohol kicking in or the boring endless forestry scenery which made him think of the old Hanna-Barbera cartoon. This made Frank laugh, but when asked by the DD what was funny he merely snapped saying “Nothing you arsehole”. Obviously the Rum aka angry juice was kicking in.
Approaching the halfway point of the challenge in regards to consumption and distance and Frank was in trouble, piecing together his more frequently posted Facebook lives. Opening up with “Hey C—s, Holy f—k I’m struggling” was a pretty solid indication that the wheels were falling off and that he was heading towards 6 ‘n’ 1 failure.
But a message of encouragement from someone calling themselves Pirate Smee 2001 which simply said “Shut up and drrrrrrrrrrrrink” was all Frank needed to keep going and smash the remainder for can four. Although the ‘vurp’ at the end of the can had the Designated driver extremely concerned. Trying to keep his eyes on the road at the same time as looking for the six pack bag.
As they powered past the Steve Irwin Way turnoff, Frank grabbed can number five and got back onto Facebook Live to do a Steve Irwin tribute. After pretending to wrestle the can like Steve would a croc, and make a poor taste joke about Stingrays Frank announced to his many follower that if he got 10 likes he’d attempt to smash can five all at once.
Upon spying the 17 likes he already had before making the latest live chat, Frank did as the many fan wanted and drank that OP & Cold in one powerful swig. With his throat looking like a bouncing F1 Mercedes car.
Proud of his effort at getting through can number five so quickly, Frank decided to take off his rum and mayo stained T Shirt and swing it around his head. Clipping the DD on two occasions.
By can five has hurt Frank badly, his eyes and throat watering like his own personal La Nina. A spew was not an if but when and how big.
Unperturbed by the reality of his situation, he opened can number six live on Facebook again. A receiving the inevitable troll comment calling him gay for no reason, he let his fans know there was just three kilometres to go. He still had mostly one can of OP Rum & Cola and the entire XXXX tallie to go.
Bigmoor, increasingly aware of the rapidly closing finish line at the Hungry Jack’s servo pulled an idea out of who knows where, perhaps that show Man v Food where the guy has to eat a ridiculous amount of food, to drink both the Rum can and Beer at the same time. He thought genius, the DD looked increasingly worried. Especially at the amount of “Up Yours” Frank was giving to passing cars.
While Frank enjoyed the sweet, sweet taste of OP & Cola, when mixed with one of the worst beers on earth it combined to taste like flooded Oxley Creek water and Insect spray.
Frank had by now forgotten to turn off the previous Facebook live, and it continued to track his progress. The previous spillage safety net of his badly faded Rose Tattoo T Shirt was now removed, and a larger amount of alcohol was finding its way to the passenger seat and footwell. And bizarrely the USB portal, which still had Frank’s phone in it.
With the servo offramp approaching Frank was determined to win the challenge, ignoring a badly watering throat, and summoned every bit of drunk logic to swig the remaining liquid in both containers. But he had underestimated just how bad the luke warm XXXX Bitter tallie was.
As the car pulled into the carpark Frank had indeed finished the last drop of XXXX Bitter, and he had defied the odds, common sense, and his doctor’s orders to stay on his high blood pressure tablets to finish the 6 ‘n’ 1 challenge.
To celebrate the achievement Frank went back onto Facebook live, and his small but attentive audience were treated to the most action packed recording of the series.
Just as Frank Bigmoor started to launch into a very drunk and awful re-working of Queen’s We Are The Champions, you could see the critical moment coming, almost as if it was in slow motion.
A small ‘vurp’ was followed by a dam release of vomit. The DD quickly grabbed the ‘back-up plan’ aka the six pack plastic bag like a Test slip fielder, as there was just a microscopic moment in time where the DD noticed the massive split in the bottom of the bag.
The split mattered very little as Frank’s six OP & Cola cans, one XXX Tallie, three pots of gold, works burger with chips, and three pieces of chewing gum exited his mouth like a dam release and 97% missed the bag entirely.
Quick realising where the almost three litres of alcohol had gone the DD saw the contents of the competition sprayed into the gear stick, all four stereo speakers in the front of the car, two air con vents, up half of one of his arms, in both footwells, in the slot where his CD goes in, and on both of the front windows and one at the back as if Frank was remaking the Exorcist movie.
As bad as that was, the DD took the upmost exception at how Frank had managed to get spew in the back right of the car where the child seat was still strapped in.
This didn’t include the plaster job Frank had done on his remaining clothing.
Slightly unaware at the extent of his projectile vomit, but still slightly sober enough to be embarrassed, Frank quickly though on how he could clean his “friend’s” car. He looked around and saw the Hungry Jacks and said in a slur of drunken English, 17th century pirate and a mixture of Spanish and Portuguese that he was going to get a few large chips so he could use them as a scoop.
Not wanting to see how this ended the DD kicked Frank out of his car and sped towards the highway with all windows down, a giant arm with middle finger was visible towards Frank. Well it would be visible if Frank wasn’t so blind.
As if things could worse, Frank saw the vomit on his pants and quickly removed them to end up in just his underwear. Pissed at 2:30pm at a Hungry Jacks service station by himself.
Undeterred by modesty, his current smell or ability to walk straight without falling over, and unaware his former friend had left, Frank did in fact get himself three large fries and some Onion Rings for no good reason.
Upon arriving back to where he though was the car, Frank was dismayed at the departure of his ride. Even though it made no difference as the DD was long gone, Frank was in fact 50 metres away talking to a tree. And the conversation was getting so heated he threw two of the large fries at the tree.
Thanks to deteriorating Facebook live posts, Frank’s partner was made well aware of what had been going on, and was quickly rushing up the highway to beat the cops to his collection.
In the meantime the tree and Frank had to be separated by an imaginary Yowie, but he held it together long enough for his partner to beat the already contacted police.
The partner quickly scooped up what remained of Frank in a move the made a F1 pit stop look like a funeral march, and sped off towards nowhere it particular, in case the Police caught up.
The phone had by now run out of battery, but the fans were truly entertained via Frank’s Facebook account, and the comment were running thick and fast. Luckily Frank could catch up with them tomorrow.
We approached Frank’s partner for some insight into the madess, but she had no comment for us. Or for Franks, for a good week at least.
Everyday News is a brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of ‘The Betoota Advocate’. We swear.
