With the 2022 Australian Election campaign underway lots of Australians are looking forward to the Election Sausage Sizzle more than performing their democratic duty, so the Everyday News team has found a local butcher who is creating a range of Election Sausage Sizzle specials for the big day.
Ralf Stroppheimer (fake name) is a fourth generation butcher whose family who originally came from Hamburg in Germany, he is now Head Butcher at Stropp’s Steaks n Stuff in the outer suburbs of your capital city, and has developed into a pioneer of the event-themed special range sausages.
For instance his shop has mastered the technique of sporting team coloured sausage for Grand Finals without making them taste like shit. They also created special snags for both of the recent Royal Weddings, and F1 car shaped meat tubes for the return of the Australian Grand Prix.
The shop briefly had a spike of interest in social media after the F1 snags last weekend, so are looking to consolidate that new fan base.
With the upcoming election, Ralf saw an opportunity to put his shop’s skills to the test again, and take advantage of one of Australia’s biggest days of Sausage consumption.
“Sausages are as much part of an Australian Election as the voting itself, and we have come up with a sausage for every major party so voters can eat their own vote on the big day” says Ralf with a hint of a German accent that the Everyday News team associated immediately with Sergeant Schultz, probably unfairly.
Despite being tempted to ask for a “I Know Nah-zing” from Ralf before getting a serious answer, we let the local butcher explain.
“For the LNP we created a slow cooker sausage, given how slow they are to most things like Vaccine rollouts and floods. They are also not available in seats where the ALP are likely to win”.
But Ralf did have a warning “But one issue we found was that the occasional one burst into flames, and being an LNP sausage they wouldn’t put themselves out”.
In honour of the first week of the campaign Ralf had an ALP Election Sausage Sizzle special for ALP voters.
“We have a run-of-the-mill, blue collar basic sausage which comes in a pack of four, except after Mr Albo’s stuff up during the week we will put anywhere between two and eight sausages per four pack.”
“We were also going to chuck in a bit of Chinese Five Spice to get the old ALP backed by China gag thing, but decided against it”.
Stropp’s Steaks n Stuff didn’t just want to cover the big two parties, with a election that looks like it will cover many different parties his team have made Election Sausage Sizzle types for the smaller political parties too.
“For One Nation we had to be very sure to find meat that was not Halal, as before vaccines was the latest popular thing to hate that was what annoyed them the most. We also tried not to add anything that sounded foreign either, like Onion, Sage, Herbs in general or pepper. They are a mix of Beef and Lamb, with a pile of Paprika thrown in to give them a real red tinge. Just the way they like it” Ralf boldly declared.
“Of course if you make a One Nation Election Sausage Sizzle type, you must make one for the Clive Palmer as well”.
When we pressed on what was involved Ralf let slip of the secret.
“Basically it’s the blandest, most generic sausage with no taste we could make, then call them freedom sausages and tell them they cure cancer with just two bites, and recent testing in our shop suggests they will fall hook, line and sinkers into it”.
But what about The Greens? Surely Stropp’s Steaks n Stuff wouldn’t have a Greens option, but they did.
“Yeah we have the Greens voters covered too. A plant based sausage with a chunk of broccoli in there to make it more green. And definitely no gluten, salt, preservatives and taste really”.
But it wasn’t just the major parties covered, Stropp’s Steaks n Stuff had a snag for the returning Campbell Newman. “Yes, we even have a sausage for Mr Campbell Newman. It is essentially a piece of stick”.
So hopefully your local school P & C will get in touch with Ralf and his team for some Election Sausage Sizzle specials. If not, ask why not.
Everyday (Election) News is political-themed sub-genre of Everyday News, the brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of ‘The Betoota Advocate’. We swear.
