A self-described ‘True Metalhead’ has spent a productive Friday night attacking strangers on social media for having slightly different tastes in metal than he does.
While metal is genre with a lot of diversity, both in style and range of heaviness, Darren (18) stubbornly sticks to the bands on his ‘Super Trvue Brootal Cvlt 80s-90s Metal’ tape, boasting that, “nobody’s heard of my favourite bands because they didn’t sell out like Stupidknot and Shittallica did!”
Darren has a YouTube channel called ‘Satan’s Chosen One’ where he regularly complains about how metal died in 1992 and all the bands of the past 30 years are “soft, weak, sell-out pop bands for babies that don’t deserve to be called TRVE METAL!”
Darren posted his latest rant on YouTube, shared it to his Facebook and Twitter pages, and spent the rest of the night in the comments section of these pages, attacking anyone who didn’t agree with him. He kept this up until midnight, when he had to go to bed as he had an early shift at his local supermarket on Saturday, before rehearsals with his super-underground Black Metal band ‘Satan’s Spawn’.
“We’re underground on purpose. We only play two gigs a year because the ‘mainstream’ metal clubs in this shitty town don’t understand us, and not because we’ve only got three songs and get so high before gigs that we can’t remember the lyrics or riffs. It’s definitely the first reason,” said Darren.
Darren’s mother, Sylvia, sighed wearily when Everyday News asked about her son’s metal obsession. “He used to be such a good little boy and would sing along to the oldies radio station with me. He loved Michael Bolton and Phil Collins. Then he fell into some weird crowds at high school, started that horrible band, and we never see him anymore. He’s meant to be studying accounting at uni, but I’ve never seen him read any of the textbooks. He still manages to pay his room and board somehow, so that’s something. I just don’t want to think about how he gets the money.”
Darren got home from his busy Saturday to find all his social media pages had been suspended due to breaking various bullying and trolling laws, meaning he had to spend his whole Saturday night setting up brand new accounts.
Everyday News is a brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of ‘The Betoota Advocate’. We swear.
