A frustrated park cricketer has vowed that this will be his final season.
While medium pace allrounder Peter Mulls (42) has made – and broken – this promise numerous times over his 25-year Sub-District career (spent at five different clubs and never playing higher than third grade), this time he’s serious, having played the last game of the 2021/22 season on Saturday.
“It’s been a dog of a season mate! I was so pumped, brought brand new kit in August and a new stick, was netting well pre-season, but I made three straight ducks in the fourths, got punted to the fifths, and was lucky to get past 20. And don’t even get me started on my shitty bowling!” said Peter. “It’s a bloody waste of a Saturday. I’m too old for this shit!”
While Peter was planning to call it quits over Christmas, a lack of players forced him to keep going, albeit very reluctantly.
But just when Peter was ready to give up cricket forever, there was a twist in the tale: a new indoor cricket opened up just five minutes’ drive from his house, which gave him the idea to switch formats, rather than retire alltogether.
“I had a chat to the misso and she’s fine with my playing indoor on Wednesday nights, as long as I help her around the house on weekends. That’s fair,” said a suddenly re-energised Peter. “I don’t actually hate cricket, I just hate my f*****g teammates and throwing away another Saturday after another failure. At least in indoor you get to bat for four overs regardless, bowl two overs every game, and sometimes keep for a bit. I’ve started practicing my offies as I’m sick of bowling rubbish mediums! And I’m working on trying to hit the ball more and get a bit fitter. This might be fun.”
Peter’s old captain Macca is happy to see the back of him.
“It’s a decade too late if you ask me! His batting’s shit, his bowling’s even worse, and he’s got crocodile hands. And he drinks mid-strength beer like a pussy. Indoor is perfect for him: fake cricket for a fake cricketer! Good riddance!”
Everyday News is a brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of ‘The Betoota Advocate’. We swear.
