Recent supply chain issues caused by a lack of transports workers, supermarket workers, rogue Chief Health Officer recommendations, and seasoned panic buying has caused empty supermarket shelves all across Australia.
While the news will show empty supermarket shelves, fistfights for toilet paper, and a Harvey Norman ad, the shelves aren’t as bare as they make out, and there’s some products that are unaffected by the panic.
We took a visit to the local major supermarket to investigate, and were conveniently met by the junior Distribution Analyst Fuller Chelfs (fake name) who gave us plenty of insight.
“The news is of course making us look as bad as possible, but there’s still loads of great products available. Especially if you have some imagination.”
Chelfs then takes me to the section where there was enough Chinese Five Spice to make 1000’s of meals.
“See, here we have 100’s of bottles of Chinese Five Spice. Perfect with some regular old Maggi noodles and a bit of Chicken Breast.”
Unmasked, unvaccinated local racist Terrence wearing his finest singlet offered up some advice mid conversation as we stood in front of the full Chinese Five Spice shelf….
“No one wants to buy that Chinese sh!t. Those f—ers gave us the Covidorona in the first place that led to this sh!t, so I’ll be f—ed if I’m giving the Chinese one more cent.”
After Terrence hitched up his self cut off jeans and moved on, we then pointed out the fact that a lot of homes already have Chinese Five Spice in the cupboard that they don’t use.
After a few seconds of thought, Fuller Chelfs then pointed out the many Keen’s Curry Powder also available nearby.
“Mate, this stuff is gold. Just a little spice, with some veggies. Or what about that old favourite Curried Sausages.”
Terrence, who had been trying to sneak in sips of a Red Bull can that he intended on dumping on a shelf empty without paying before leaving passed by with some more “advice”.
“That stuff will give you sh!ts, and with no toilet paper available, it’s gonna be a hose job to clean all that up”.
Terrence had a point this time.
Determined to prove his point the Supermarket Distribution Analyst took me to the saddest in store demonstration ever seen, where Karen Karenson (fake name) was on hand to display the wonders of Sard Wonder Soap.
You have to give it to Karen for the hustle, but no scrubbing of that pre-planned stained beetroot shirt could convince me that this is an alternative to the empty supermarket shelves. Perhaps if we could find a way to eat it. Although, I guess Terrence’s curried sausage issues is now in the back of our mind.
Similarly we thought back to when we dropped an entire container of beetroot on my mother in law’s carpet one Christmas. Wondering if Sard would have made that job easier.
Chelfs snapped his fingers as we were clearly daydreaming about beetroot, and took me to the dairy section.
He quickly passed over the fact that there was no Cheese, Margarine, Yoghurt and Yogo, to point out the only product that was in full stock. Yes, of course it was Copha.
Those white blocks with the package with ironic coloured bubbles (because Copha is of so little use) were staring at me, demanding my attention now it was in the clear instead of the usual tucked away in the corner, near the other unsellables.
By luck, resident local amateur baker Skye Zalimyt (fake name) walked past and offered more ad hoc advice.
“Don’t diss the Copha. It makes the Chocolate Crackle. If you can still get Rice Bubbles or the cheap equivalent.”
We both turn to Fuller who shakes his head.
“Well, anyways. If they do bring in Rice Bubbles, and Cocoa? (Fuller shakes his head again) we should have a campaign for Australians to get making Chocolate Crackles for a Copha led recovery of Australia.”
“Call it Aussies for Copha not Covid…..”
We agreed it was a great idea, and a very catchy campaign name too. Skye dumped her empty shopping basket to race off and add this to her blog, Instagram and Facebook, but not Twitter for some reason.
After an interesting journey around the Supermarket, we wished Fuller well as he would need it.
Interestingly, as we left the store we saw Terrence being led away by an off duty Policeman after he had taken a swing at the mall security guard when approached about the Red Bull thievery, lack of mask, and his fly had been down for the last 30 minutes with no underpants.
Everyday News is a brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of ‘The Betoota Advocate’. We swear.
