All local party enthusiast Steele Riggs wanted after a big New Year’s double header was a pie from his local bakery, but his genius hangover cure took a turn for the worse when he discovered his pie was only a Bacon pie, not the Cheese and Bacon pie his dustiness demanded. Now he’s calling for a National Meat Pie Identification standard.
Steele Riggs, known as “big” to his friends and one ex girlfriend in an ironic twist as he is only 5 ft 4, was nursing a hangover which he described as “110% complete fucktigue”.
He had spent Boxing Day as several Shopping Centres, New Years Eve in the Valley, and New Years Day at the now infamous Local Pub Foam Party.
Steele Riggs woke up on January 2 at 11am, and after a mini marathon of four straight Man v Food episodes, and still feeling the effects of multiple Vodka-Red Bulls, the slowly sobering brain demanded a Bacon and Cheese pie.
Just the one though, because after seeing “Man” trying to eat a five pound burger with a side of fries he wasn’t that hungry.
Steele made his way to the local bakery, which was just a 300m walk via car, and realised despite living so close had never stepped inside the shop in his five years of living in the suburb.
He explains how it played out.
“First of all I left my mask at home, so pulled up my Noiseworks T Shirt over half my face and pretending to Check in with my phone which ran out of charge at 10pm last night because I was trying to text my ex girlfriend.”
“So, I finally get to the pie warmer and there are literally 100’s of pies. So many. All I wanted was the old Bacon and Cheese special. Enough grease to stop feeling like sh!t. And make me forget about the 15 squared metres of plush berber on my teeth.”
“I tried to point out the pie I wanted, but the effects of last night’s drinking, and a small sore throat I had suddenly acquired didn’t help. I presumed they knew what they were doing.”
“When I get home the pie had just bacon. Where’s the Cheese I asked?”
After chuckling about Where’s the Cheese and showing me that Youtube clip of Peter Russell Clarke swearing a lot, he continued.
“I was quite disappointed as you could imagine, but then thought, if the bakery staff can’t get it right, what hope did any of us have?”.
“I then thought perhaps the pies need to have a standard pastry shape chart set by Food Standards Australia. You know, a circle for peas, a C for cheese only, a star for Cheese and Bacon, and a toilet roll for Curry pies.”
“Then you’d need a standard chart beside all Pie Warmers across Australia so customers of all types, sobriety and language can point to the pie they want. No one would be disappointed.”
Having dismissed the day as a slow news one, and noticing Steele had suddenly developed a small cough and runny nose we quickly left the Riggs duplex and fled for the nearest chemist.
Everyday News is a brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of ‘The Betoota Advocate’. We swear.
