Summer is in full swing now, and long time cricket fan Lawson McBee has been enthralled in the Ashes contest as a big Australian cricket fan. But there’s certainly one thing he isn’t happy about – Fox Cricket Commentators.
Lawson McBee has been watching cricket on TV every summer for so long, he can remember some good ol’ days stuff.
Like the old Classic Catches segment set to the music of ZZ Top’s Legs. Or the sweet, smooth sounds of Tony Cozier. Or even that time Tony Greig dropped a Me-No-Rikey gaffe during an Adelaide test as the camera panned to one of the nearby churches.
He remembers those old days fondly. Proper cricket. Proper battles. And, proper cricket coverage.
After a satisfied breath in, the smile turns to a frown. He recalls the latter years of the Channel Nein commentary. Less stats and more Slats. And not for the better.
McBee opens up “I actually gave up on watching cricket for a few years towards the end of Channel Nein’s run. The coverage and commentary was so self-centred and the people in the comm box so intent on telling every anecdote about their career ever, you could smell the buckets of wank through the TV.”
“The last few years of Nein’s coverage was like….Oh, memorable moment coming up….Oh looks, it was Slats or Shane Warne doing something again. Oh, remember when you and I went to that pub together after that game and did something funny we’re not going to tell you about.”
“It made cricket unwatchable, and unfortunately I could never get the ABC Grandstand synched up good enough.”
So if the Channel Nein coverage was that bad, and it was, wouldn’t Lawson have rejoiced at the new Fox Cricket / Channel Seven era we asked.
“At first yes. Then I heard Channel Seven hired the worst of the f–kwits Michael Slater, which excluded me from ever watching their coverage.”
“So now I was stuck with Fox Cricket Commentators, which sadly has become the new Nein, and heading on a path to be even worse.”
“Every break in play they have a memorable moment, and surprise, surprise this time it was Brett Lee sneezing at Square Leg, or Michael Hussey running a quick single, or Kerry O’Keeffe took a wicket somewhere, or Shane Warne’s Century near-miss. We’re not f—ing idiots, we can see it’s all about you.”
“And how about that pre-season promo that just featured the Fox Cricket Commentators. Talk about self indulgence….Richie would never have stood for that bullsh!t.”
“I mean, did they not realise everyone bid good riddance the Channel Nein for the same reason. But I guess, what the hell else could they do after hiring Shane Warne, a man whose self-love makes me sick.”
To calm himself down, Lawson McBee quickly downed three quarters of a can of OP & Cola and thought about his future cricket plans.
“Well, it’s either have the no ad break coverage that is filled full of circle of handjob that is Fox Cricket, or put up with ads and James Brayshaw.”
“At least Michael Slater getting in trouble with the law means we don’t have to listen that little man anymore.”
“Come to think of it. F–k it. Might just go and sit in the car and listen to ABC Grandstand. Ian Chappell’s Old Man Yells At Cloud gear I can put up with.”
The Gurgler was going to contact Fox Cricket for comment, but couldn’t get a word in with the constant chest beating drowning out our questions.
Everyday News is a brand new general news/parody section of The Gurgler, and definitely not a lame rip-off of ‘The Betoota Advocate’. We swear.
