The Wooden Spooners series continues with an exclusive – the actual transcript from the very first annual Victorian Rugby League Community Meeting.
The first Victorian Rugby League Community Meeting was an attempt by the NRL to make sure interest in rugby league remained high in Melbourne/Victoria following the retirement of Cameron Smith.
They invited all Melbourne-based rugby league fans via social media to discuss the ins and outs of rugby league at the Prahran Hotel on a Tuesday night just before the season started.
First Annual Victorian Rugby League Community Meeting
JEFF FROM MARKETING – Good evening everyone and welcome to the the very first Annual Victorian Rugby League Community Meeting. We’re super excited to be here talking rugby league to you all tonight.
JACK (audience member) – Don’t you mean rugby?
JEFF – No sorry, it’s rugby league.
JACK – You sure?
JEFF – Yeah, we’re sure it’s rugby league.
JACK – Aren’t they all called rugby?
JEFF – No. Their game has 15 players and ours has 13 players.
JACK – So it’s not the Wallabies one?
JEFF – No, we’re the Kangaroos. And the Melbourne Storm in the NRL are based here in Melbourne. They won the premiership last season.
BARBARA – So, is yours the one that Israel Folau plays for?
JEFF – Well, not quite. He did play rugby league but then played AFL, then played rugby union, but now he’s playing rugby league in France.
BARBARA – So, he’s not playing rugby in Australia?
JEFF – No he’s not playing rugby union or playing rugby league in Australia. He wanted to play in Australia, but that didn’t quite work out.
BARBARA – Is that rugby league or union he wanted to play in Australia?
JEFF – Rugby league – in the NRL.
BARBARA – So he’s not here tonight?
JEFF – No, not tonight.
BARBARA – OK, we’re out of here.
(Cue Barbara and 20 companions leaving with anti-Israel Folau banners.)
JEFF – OK. So back with rugby league, hey folks? Now how many of you know that one of the big NRL games for the season is being played in Melbourne this year?
ALLAN – What, the grand final?
JEFF – No that’s always in Sydney.
ALLAN – Why?
JEFF – Isn’t the AFL Grand Final always in Melbourne?
ALLAN – Not last year.
JEFF – Let’s forget last season then.
ALLAN – Didn’t you say Melbourne won the premiership last season? Should we forget about that too?
JEFF – Of course not. Anyways, the big game I’m talking about is the State of Origin.
SALLY – So who’s that between?
JEFF – Queensland and NSW.
SALLY – So why are you playing that game in Melbourne? Neither of those teams are in Victoria.
BARRY (Expat Queenslander) – Yeah! QUEENSLANDER!!!!!!
JEFF – Well, we want to expand the game beyond the two states. Much like the Sydney Swans, GWS Giants, and the Brisbane Lions.
BARRY – Who are the Lions?
SALLY – Used to be Fitzroy.
BARRY – The Fitzroy River in Rocky?
SALLY – No.
JEFF – OK folks, let’s get back on track. State of Origin is the biggest clash of the rugby league season that’s not the grand final. It may be between two non-Victorian states, but it’s a really great game for everyone. And game one’s at the MCG.
GORDON (Collingwood fan) – When it’s on?
JEFF – Wednesday 9th June.
GORDON – Na, Collingwood play Melbourne that weekend. Carn the Pies!!!!!
JEFF – But the State of Origin is on a Wednesday.
GORDON – Exactly.
JEFF – Would anyone be interested in free tickets to the State of Origin MCG game?
KEVIN – S*** yeah! I missed out on tickets, and I was so bummed that I got loaded on Crazy Annie’s at the Slippery Rabbit.
JEFF – Great. A Melbourne Storm fan then?
KEVIN – Nah, Warriors fan.
JEFF – Ok. But you know the Melbourne Storm?
KEVIN – Yeah, they beat us a lot.
JEFF – But you’d know that our greatest Melbourne player of all time retired recently?
KEVIN – Sure.
JEFF – So you’d be a little sad not to see him playing this year?
KEVIN – Nah.
JEFF – Why not?
KEVIN – Well, we’re a better chance of beating Melbourne this season without him. And if we don’t, the arsehole won’t show up in our dressing room again.
JEFF – Fair enough. Here’s a couple of Origin tickets.
(Job done – the one apparent genuine league fan so far has tickets and heads for the exit.)
KEVIN (off screen) – I’m gonna celebrate with some Boom Boom Bombers at the Frisky Frog!
JEFF – Now, does anyone else know who Cameron Smith plays for?
PHIL – Isn’t he a golfer on the US PGA?
JEFF – No that’s Cam Smith?
PHIL – I thought it was Cameron Smith.
JEFF – I think he prefers Cam. But anyway Cameron Smith – the rugby league player – may be one of the next Immortals.
TERRY – What’s that?
JEFF – It’s like the top tier of the AFL Hall Of Fame. Only a handful of players are inducted as an Immortal.
TERRY – So what position did this Cam Smith play?
PHIL – What, the golfer?
TERRY – No, this Immortal.
JEFF – He played hooker.
TERRY – Really, a hooker. How does that name stand up in this day and age of outrage culture? Especially here in Melbourne. It’s not like 30 years ago when Hey Hey could get away with dirty jokes during prime time!
JEFF – Well the hooker used to hook their leg in the scrum to win it against the head.
(Complete audience silence.)
JASON (eventually) – it certainly sounds interesting. If you know what I mean. Say no more, say no more (trails off to his own amusement saying the Monty Python sketch word for word.)
JEFF – OK, forget about that description. But it’s a really vital position.
PHIL – What’s the AFL equivalent?
JEFF – Hmmm, good question. Maybe ruck rover? Maybe like a Michael Tuck or Chris Judd?
ALL – Ahhhhhhhhhh.
PHIL – OK, so this Michael Tuck equivalent is the best player in the rugby?
JEFF – Rugby league, yes. Well, he was until he retired last season. There’s even a statue of him outside of the Melbourne Storm’s home ground.
PHIL – Where’s that?
JEFF – What, the statue?
PHIL – No, the ground.
JEFF – They play out of AAMI Park.
PHIL – Is that the one where they play football?
JEFF – You mean soccer? I believe so.
PHIL – Well, no wonder I’ve never heard of it.
JEFF – OK, now we know the ground, here’s a picture of the statue and Cameron Smith.
(Silence followed by sniggers.)
JASON – Is that statue meant to look like that bloke?
JEFF – Yes.
JASON – S***. It’s as bad as that Cristiano Ronaldo guy’s one. The one where it looked like a nine year old did it.
JEFF – I don’t think it’s that bad. What, Ronaldo’s one or Cameron’s?
JASON – Either.
JEFF – Statues are hard to get perfect. But believe me the player was much better than the statue.
JASON – If you say so.
JEFF – Moving on from the statue, how many people here have attended a Melbourne game.
ALICE – What, the Demons?
JEFF – No, not the AFL team.
JEREMY – What, the Rebels?
JEFF – No that’s rugby.
JEREMY – Isn’t this all about rugby?
JEFF – No this is rugby league?
JEREMY – What’s the difference?
JEFF – (sighs) Has anyone here seen the Melbourne Storm rugby league team team that features Cameron Smith, not the golfer, but the Immortal, that plays 13 man rugby league not the 15 man game that is the Wallabies.
CHRIS – When do they play?
JEFF – They play of lot of Thursday night and Friday night football.
CHRIS – On Channel Nine?
JEFF – Well, not quite. It’s on Channel Nine in Queensland and NSW.
CHRIS – And so you expect us to watch it when it’s not on?
JEFF – Don’t you have Foxtel?
CHRIS – But I only watch Fox Footy and Fox Sports 6 for the Formula One.
JEFF – Didn’t you know there’s a whole dedicated rugby league channel plays rugby league 24-7? Channel 502?
CHRIS – There’s a 502?
JEREMY – So, who are the other rugby –
JEFF – Rugby league!
JEREMY – Whatever! How many rugby teams are there aside from the Storm?
JEFF – There’s the Panthers, Eels, Roosters, Titans, Dragons, Raiders Rabbitohs, Knights, Warriors, Broncos, Sharks, Tigers…
JEREMY – So like Richmond?
JEFF – No, the Wests Tigers. They used to be the Balmain Tigers and the Wests Magpies, but they merged…
JEREMY – So the Magpies, like Collingwood?
JEFF – No, no, they’re now the Wests Tigers!
CHRIS – Collingwood are s*** now anyway! Even Joffa hates them.
GORDON – Piss off! Carn the Pies!
JEFF – Anyway, finally there’s the Cowboys, Bulldogs, and Sea Eagles.
CHRIS – Like the Western Bulldogs and the West Coast Eagles?
(A frustrated JEFF shakes his head.)
ALICE – Nah mate, it’s Footscray for life! The Western Bulldogs are their sell-out name. And nobody gives a s*** about bloody West Coast!
(Getting desperate, JEFF flips through his notebook and has an idea.)
JEFF – Y’know that Molly Meldrum’s a huge Storm fan?
CHRIS – Nah mate, he’s a mad keen Sainter! Loves ’em!
(JEFF sighs. He’s losing them. He tries for a Hail Mary play and pulls out an envelope.)
JEFF – OK, who wants free tickets to the next Storm game? You might actually like it if you give it a chance.
CHRIS – Is that for the rugby? Or for the real footy at the ‘G?
GORDON – Carn the Pies!!!
(JEFF screams: he’s had enough.)
JEFF – I give up! The Storm have been the consistent team in the NRL era, won a bunch of premierhips, and survived a salary cap crisis that would’ve destroyed most other clubs, but you idiots don’t care! Keep your bloody aerial ping pong! I’m going to Perth! At least the West Coast Pirates are nearly ready to go.
CHRIS – Ooh, are the Pirates a new AFL team?
(With that, JEFF walks out.)
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