Another Melbourne Cup has been run, with more controversy over fatalities (which is just devastating) and as ever the anti-horse racing brigade making their usual noise on social media (most seem to have a peak of care factor during the Melbourne Cup Carnival which disappears by the next Melbourne Cup carnival, if not before).
Don’t get us wrong, we respect the people that are genuinely against horse racing, those who never attend a racing event, not even Capalaba greyhound, those who never put on a bet ever again, don’t get involved in a Melbourne Cup luncheon or sweep. Nothing. Anything less = hypocrite.
The genuine people make a good point about the cruelty to animals at times, and maybe it is time to consider alternative Melbourne Cup options.
The Gurgler are nothing if not helpful, and as ever we have some suggestions on how to improve the Cup, keep the horse lovers happy, and still let punters party and gamble all day long.
1. Jockeys Run
Why not cut out the middle man (or horse) and make the jockeys run? The jockeys could wear race-appropriate clothing with the same colours as their silks. They’d have to be fit to rid horses, so you’d imagine some of them would go at a decent clip. It could be fun. An added bonus: the horses stay in their stables and eat carrots while the jockeys do the hard work.
2. Robot Horses
Technology is advancing at an alarming level, so how long before robot horses are a reality? While nowhere near as pretty as real horses, this is the cruelty-free version (though you could make the robot horses as fuzzy and cuddly as real horses). It’d probably be easier on the jockeys, as they’d just press some buttons to make it go faster.
3. Horse Racing Esports
Esports is a massive industry (who says playing video games was a waste of time?), so why not use it for the Race That Stops a Nation? During the NRL postponement, some rugby league social media pages live streamed simulated NRL games using one of the Rugby League Live games, and got some decent views. Stick a bunch of Esports “athletes” in a big auditorium (with the jockeys as coaches), erect a giant screen at Flemington so everyone can see and away we go.
4. The Horses Ride the Jockeys (somehow)
Ok, this one’s a stretch, but how about the horses riding the jockeys? How will this work? I have no idea: I write silly parody articles, not science fiction!
5. Vehicles Instead of Horses
Back to reality, and this one could be fun. Keep the horses in their stables and use cars, bicycles, unicycles, tricycles, motorbikes: anything with two wheels that stays on the ground (no airplanes sorry, that’s just unfair). It could be a lot like Wacky Races (remember that show?), and think of the sponsorship opportunities for each vehicle.
6. Use AFL Players
We all know Melbourne is OBSESSED with AFL, so why not take advantage of that obsession? Enlist the best (and fastest) AFL players and let them loose. Either the jockeys could ride them (though the potential for injury would give AFL coaches a heart attack), the AFL players could run themselves (like a longer version of the grand final sprint), or the AFL players and jockeys could ride in cars together. The possibilities are endless.
7. It’s a Knockout – Jockey Hoopla & More
There was a lot to love about the 80s, and a large chunk of that is due to It’s a Knockout. The action-packed novelty game show was must-watch TV back in the day, with a chortling Billy J Smith giving continual updates on people falling over, the joyful cackling of Fiona McDonald. and the air horn to start all the joy.
Perhaps in a combined cross-promotion, Channel Ten could get the events to return at Flemington in 2021, with all 10 races on the card being different events from It’s a Knockout back in the day. The Giants game, the Penguins trying to catch water with a bucket on a turntable (and more) are great suggestions, but for us it has to be the Jockey Hoopla game as the number one potential replacement for horses running.
8. Get a whole bunch of those Ocean Spray Skateboarding Wannabes
Not long ago the man drinking Ocean Spray on skateboard while lip-synching Fleetwood Mac on TikTok was one of the biggest internet sensations.
It led to many a copycat, some of them ending in some form of stack, or with an actual member of Fleetwood Mac.
Why not take advantage of the temporary fame of this Ocean Spray-drinking internet sensation, and have a race made up of people trying to copy it?
Of course this would have been great this year with no crowd, and just some Fleetwood Mac copying.
The only issue is for this flavour of the month is if anyone will remember him for the next Melbourne Cup in 2021?
9. Social Media Voting
Since all the anti-racing thoughts begin on social media, why not use it to power future Melbourne Cups?
Twenty-four of the biggest detractors of horse racing on social media will line up at the start, and they will begin to tweet/post their thoughts about horse racing in general, not just the Melbourne Cup.
Their progress will be determined by the likes, shares, and kudos each gets.
The track is divided in two-metre intervals, and each runner gets to move forward for every 100 likes/retweets they get.
10. Running of the Trumps
Like the bull race in Spain, perhaps we could run something down the main straight.
But using a bull is out, mainly because they are dangerous, and very grumpy. And it defeats the purpose of this story.
Talking of dangerous and grumpy, there could well be a lot Trumps out of a job soon, so why not round up Donald and co and have them run down the main strait?
