How to Create a Website that No One Reads

Starting up a website can be reasonably easy, but creating and maintaining a website that no one reads takes a lot of hard work and planning, and since our website is currently sitting at 10,996,876th in the world, we feel we can share our experience to help those wannabe bloggers  get their own website that no one reads.

You may think it is easy to have  a website that no one reads, and if you do absolutely nothing it is easy. But try and put constant material on there and try and keep the readers to a minimum.

It is tough but we’ve managed to do it

Never fear, we have done some of the hard work below to help budding website publishers and writers have a website that no one reads with a range of different tips and tricks from our experience to ensure your readership is as close to zero as possible.

So please follow our handy tips below, if you really want a website that no one reads.

DON’T DO ONE THING WELL, DO LOTS OF THINGS WITH MEDIOCRITY

Most people when they visit a blog/website are looking for something specific – a product, an opinion, serious news, even more serious sport, or something in particular. So to ensure a Website that no one reads, do a lot of different things, and do it with a touch or massive serving of mediocrity.

Not many people want to go from Queensland Cup rugby league into Third division English Football into polls about potatos to something about hard rubbish in Brisbane. But if you do get that one in a few hundred thousand you are a winner.

So create as many different type of subject as possible to exclude many regular visitors, if you truly want to limit your potential readers, or only want to do what you feel like.

FIND SUBJECTS SO OBSCURE THAT YOU CREATE THE MOST NICHE MARKET POSSIBLE

So while you are creating many different subjects to bamboozle your potential “readers” ensure that you try and create some subjects which have such a niche interest that regular google searchers will not come anywhere near your website.

Creating a subject based Space themed Shopping Centres in Australia is a great example of one. Sure, you may get a few hundred die-hards wanting to reminisce about a certain Space City in Kallangur, which is a truly interesting story, but as for the rest of the billions on earth, you’ll be plenty safe to have your website a Website that no one reads.

CREATE CONTENT THAT TOPS GOOGLE SEARCHES FOR SUBJECT THAT VERY FEW PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR

Following on from creating those niche subjects, you can bask in the glory of topping a google search for the occasional subject. For instance google Space City Kallangur and our website is number one. Google Willie Minoga and we’re on the first page. Google anything else, and there aren’t enough zeroes.

Once again, it’s great for the occasional fan, but generates no general interest in your website or blog. Just the way you want it.

ENSUE THAT QUALITY, IS AT TH HERT OF AL YOUR “ARTICLES”

People are jerks these days, happily pointing out all of your errors, be it typo or grammar, and usually do it via a social media where neither of the two rules apply to their own social posting.

So ensure thta evry article you write is 100.0% quality, so that when the persons arrive to read your website, they don’t have anything to moan about.

AFTER 10PM IS A GREAT TIME TO WRITE ARTICLES

Whilst you can use train rides, car trips, and non essential work meetings for website development time, to ensure have your website a Website that no one reads.

With your brain not at its optimum condition after a hard day’s work of a proper job and looking after pets and or children, it is the best way to turn what could have been a very good / funny idea into complete and utter dross, that not even closest friends and family can properly pretend to like.

Even if the idea is transferred from brain or paper to keyboard, the above quality issue comes into play as your fingers start slurring and stumbling as you type.

REMEMBER, JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK IT’S FUNNY, IT IS FUNNY

Humour is a wonderful thing, many people have it, some don’t, and everyone seems to have different sense of it. That’s why if you want to maintain a Website that no one reads that you should consider this, and ignore it all and pursue your sense of humour only.

This will ensure the slenderest wedge possible of people who will find it funny, but most importantly, you think it is worth of a chortle or two.

Remember, as long you think it is funny, then it has to be funny. And if no one gets the joke or they think it’s not funny, then it’s their loss. As well as a loss of people to your website.

ALL YOUR IDEAS ARE GREAT IDEAS, NEVER FILTER

Quantity over quality, that’s what we always say. Better to have rubbish content than no content. There’s nothing worse than having a blog/website that goes days or weeks, or even longer between posts.

If you want to run a website that has potential to capture the public’s interest and go semi viral, run all your work via a few reliable people before sending, and ensure you apply your overall strategy to subject and categories.

If you don’t have a strategy as advised earlier, or you are too stubborn to ask for advice, then you re well on the way to a Website that no one reads.

FIND A PARTICULAR SOMEONE OR SOMETHING AND RELENTLESSLY GO ON ABOUT THEM FOR YEARS

There’s nothing people like more than to see the same thing over and over again.

Some times it can be a good thing like the world’s greatest rugby league PNG superstar Willie Minoga. Which we might add, we were fully justified after four solid years of talking him and the PNG Hunters and in 2017 he scored the winning try in the greatest live moment of sport ever attended.

Or it can be negative like constantly harping on about Channel Nein NRL and cricket, Michael Slater, Tennis Jerks Kyrgios and Tomic, and so many other jerks.

People know they can come back to your website for constant rambling about these things, waiting for your latest take, and aside from those five or so people they don’t because they’re sick of seeing the same boring crap.

PICK A CURRENT EVENT, WAIT A FEW DAYS, THEN WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT IT WHEN NO ONE CARES ANYMORE

With social media and the internet, important stories can go viral within minutes, so it is important to get onto as many bandwagons as possible.

However, if you want to continue operating a Website that No One Reads, make sure you wait just long enough for the news or event not to be at the front of people’s minds, so your view on whatever it is will be diluted because no one cares anymore, or at worst look a little bit sad for being so late with it.

It may get a trickle of sympathy reads, but that wait will ensure that your continued lack of readership will continue.

SOCIAL MEDIA IS IMPORTANT, SO USE IT WHEREVER YOU CAN BOTHERED

Social Media is so important if you are cretin a website, but it you wish to have a Website that No One Reads, make sure you use as little of it as possible.

Most of the great blogs and websites are spread by the force that is social media.

So to ensure you are potentially part of it, and a chance for something to go viral you need to have social media accounts. It’s what you do with them that determines whether your blog becomes an internet sensation, or is ranked using 8 digits.

Sure you’ll set up a Facebook account, a Twitter feed, and something called Instagram, which seems like Facebook but is just pictures to the ignorant eye, but you’ll post things so sporadically that most of it will be irrelevant and ignored.

Aside from your closest friends and family, your lack of social media output and general apathy towards it will make sure

MAKE SURE YOU TELL VERY FEW PEOPLE ABOUT IT FOR YEARS

You have to take a proactive approach if you wish to have a Website that No One Reads, and when we say proactive, we mean proactive in being not active.

Of course you should always tell a few of your closest friends and family about your website, but to truly make it reader-less you need to not tell as many people as possible.

You can do this because you are too ashamed at the content, or not ready to be the centre of attention, or for any other reason, word of mouth is a killer if you 

CALL OUT YOUR WEBSITE’S CONTENT AS RUBBISH WHEN ASKED ABOUT IT

An important step if you want a website that no one reads is if you finally tell people about it, that to ensure you tell them that the content is garbage and probably not worth reading anyway.

Maybe some of your friends and family will be interested in constant articles about Tennis Jerks, Willie Minoga, and that eating AA batteries will give you cancer, but on the whole it is important that you highlight the worst of your website. Just so you can continue having a Website that No One Reads.

FOLLOW UP ALL YOUR CONTENT WITH A PODCAST NO ONE LISTENS TO

What is truly absurd is to not only have a website that no one reads, but to create an accompanying podcast that no one will listen to.

The podcast will be going over similar content as your website, but in a form that takes 30-40 minutes rather than the 30 seconds it takes to read an article.

This will ensure that only the most die hard of fans will bother, and that there will be no follow through as the podcast is usually of such a low quality that people dismiss the website subsequently.

Like with the content of the website, don’t let no listeners stop you. And make sure your podcast content is as polarising as the rest of the website gear.

COVER AN ENTIRE SPORTING COMPETITION / ELECTION TO PRETEND YOU ARE A WANNABE JOURNALIST BUT IN REALITY YOU ARE JUST EXHAUSTING YOURSELF AS PEOPLE GO TO MUCH MORE POPULAR AND BETTER WEBSITES

Recently we attempted to cover the entire Football World Cup, why you ask, because we think we are practicing for becoming a proper writer one day.

We tell ourselves if we do it slightly differently and aimed at another audience that our coverage will be picked up by a few people and spread around the internet from there.

We tell ourselves that if someone sees one match review, and then sees that you have covered every game, then they will be so mightily impressed that they will tell everyone on the social media about it.

Great to tell yourself these things. Even better to get make yourself so exhausted at trying to do so that the body starts to pack it in for the same end result.

A Website that No One Reads

TELL YOURSELF THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE WILL LIKE SOMETHING AT SOMETIME

Where there’s life, there’s hope. And if the hope of all of this is that eventually it will become a website that people read.

In reality, your content, attitude to social media, quality of content will make sure that it never gets off the ground. 

But that shouldn’t stop you.

ARE YOU ESSENTIALLY WASTING YOUR TIME?

Well, yes.

Should you stop? Nah.

At the end of the day, is it readers, money from the income of ads, internet notoriety that you are chasing? No.

You just want your own website run your own way.

And if readers come along then very good.

In the meantime, enjoy your website that no one reads.