Following on from our effort to provide the very few reader here with a Who Cares Guide to every World Cup game, we offer up our Who Cares Guide to the World Cup Round of 16.
Knockout football is finally here, which means that teams can no longer progress on Yellow Cards, nor pass the ball among themselves for a solid 15 minutes, and there’s likely to be the occasional penalty shoot out.
Happily it usually means the games get tighter and more defensive as there’s more to ply for and the 0-0 draw returns to the fore.
But the casual reader and World Cup bandwagoner or Football cynic doesn’t have time to preview all the games, which is why we have compacted them all into one place so you can impress fellow family and friends with your new found World Cup Round of 16 knowledge.
Or you are a hardened Football nerd who is averaging less than four hours sleep a night and am looking for the 68th different preview of the World Cup Round of 16.
Either way, please accept our Who Cares Guide to the World Cup Round of 16 Action.
GAME 1 – SAT 0:00 (AEST) – FRANCE v ARGENTINA
THE WHO CARES QUALIFYING STORY
France easily topped Group C, disposing of Australia and Peru and participating in their scoreless match against Denmark, a result which was good enough for both teams. Have been solid if not spectacular, but who knows with their value added squad which directions they’ll go in.
Argentina barely deserved, and barely made the World Cup Round of 16 stage, grabbing a late goal against Nigeria to seal qualification. Talk of unrest within the team, talk that Messi is effectively running the show, and Messi himself looking more and more frustrated means that an exit here wouldn’t surprise.
FRANCE – 1st Group C – 7pts – GD +2
Scored the fewest goals of all the teams who topped their group with just three.
ARGENTINA – 2nd Group D – 4pts – GD -2
One of only two teams to qualify with a negative goal difference. Conceded the most goals of any second placed team.
WHO CARES HISTORY
Head to Head – Argentina 4 France 0 Draw 0
Last Match – France 0 Argentina 2 – 2009 Friendly
WHO CARES FOR A BET?
RESULT – France $2.35 Argentina $3.30 Draw $3.00
TO QUALIFY – France $1.63 Argentina $2.25
OUR BEST BET – France to win and Both team score @ $5.75
WHO CARES WHAT WE THINK?
What we think will happen…
France will qualify with a 2-1 win
What will probably happen..
No one will score in 90 minutes, and then Messi will conjure something up in the 112th minute.
What our animal tipster Muttstradamus thinks…
France to win
What our small children think…
Argentina to win.
WHO CARES ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE?
What to watch out for…
Messi gets the first chance to fire off his skills in the great Ronaldo v Messi sideshow
About time Pogba or Griezmann take this World Cup by the scruff of the neck.
Hernandez falling over any chance he gets.
Finishing with…. a match preview Haiku
Messi looking glum
Argentines in disarray
Taken over French
GAME 2 – SUN 4:00 (AEST) – URUGUAY v PORTUGAL
THE WHO CARES QUALIFYING STORY
Uruguay won all their three games in Group A without being overly impressive, the famed front two are yet to explode at the World Cup yet, but the defence certainly has. OK, they have come out of a weak group, but Uruguay can’t do anymore than concede no goals, and are getting goals from the back, including a decisive one from Giminez in the first game against Egypt. They will need that defensive might against the World’s best and one of the stars so far in Ronaldo.
Portugal, like Spain, have done the job to get out of the group, but were pushed all the way by a determined Morocco and Iran, and of course Spain from that sensational opener against their Iberian rivals. Ronaldo has been the difference, they probably wouldn’t have drawn against Spain nor beaten Morocco. Quaresma’s goal against Iran proved someone else can bring a little magic.
This game is as close to a dead heat as it gets in head to head betting, so it is flip a coin territory, but does one Ronaldo trump a Cavani-Suarez? We will see.
URUGUAY – 1st Group A – 9pts – GD +5
Only team not to concede a goal in the group stage.
PORTUGAL – 2nd Group B – 5pts – GD +1
Cristiano Ronaldo has scored 80% of Portugal’s goals. The other 20% was a cracker though.
WHO CARES HISTORY
Head to Head – Nil
Last Match – Nil
WHO CARES FOR A BET?
RESULT – Uruguay $2.75 Portugal $2.80 Draw $2.90
TO QUALIFY – Uruguay $1.90 Portugal $1.90
OUR BEST BET – Ronaldo to Score and Portugal to win 1-0, 2-0 or 2-1 @ $X.XX
WHO CARES WHAT WE THINK?
What we think will happen…
Ronaldo scores the only goal and wins for Portugal
What will probably happen..
Suarez gets sent off for something stupid at 0-0 and having missed a few good chances, and Ronaldo makes them pay with a late goal.
What our animal tipster Muttstradamus thinks…
Uruguay
What our small children think…
Portugal
WHO CARES ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE?
Who’s next?
The winner of this game will play the winner of France v Argentina.
What to watch out for…
The big head to head is whether Uruguay Super duo is better than Portugal’s superhero.
Finishing with…. a match preview Haiku
Ronaldo Suarez
Magic awaits from either man
Is bark worse than bite?
GAME 2 – MON 0:00 (AEST) – SPAIN v RUSSIA
THE WHO CARES QUALIFYING STORY
Russia were the most surprising of the qualifying teams, if you based your predictions on recent form and thoughts of those in the know about the Russian team and not the cynical potential of their recent Olympic record or the risk of politics influencing another major world event. Few would have thought that Russia were the first team to qualify, but that is exactly how it played out, and they were good value for their two wins with some great goals. They lost against the first decent team they played, and you could argue that Spain is a step up.
Or perhaps not, as Spain haven’t really set the world on fire in Group B. They got the top nod on the basis of scoring more goals than Portugal, but they were undefeated with a win and two draws. Diego Costa and Isco have been their best, and their usual dolphin tight defence has conceded 5 goals and has been lucky not to have conceded more. Maybe they will fully click in the knockout stage, and Russia could well be the perfect tem to face to get in shape. Or so we have thought with Russia all along.
SPAIN – 1st Group B – 5pts – GD +1
Lowest points tally of all the table toppers.
RUSSIA – 2nd Group A – 6pts – GD +4
Surprise of Group stage, and the worst FIFA ranked team to make it to the knockout stage.
WHO CARES HISTORY
Head to Head – Spain 4 – Draw 2 – Russia 0
Last Match – Spain 3 Russia 3 – 2017 Friendly
WHO CARES FOR A BET?
RESULT – Spain $1.57 Russia $6.50 Draw $3.70
TO QUALIFY – Spain $1,28 Russia $3.65
OUR BEST BET – Spain to win and both teams score @ $3.90
WHO CARES WHAT WE THINK?
What we think will happen…
Spain scores early and so does Russia, Spain seal a win late.
What will probably happen..
Spain score in the first half and then pass the ball around for the rest of the game without either team scoring again.
What our animal tipster Muttstradamus thinks…
Spain
What our small children think…
Spain
WHO CARES ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE?
Who’s next?
The winner of this game will play the winner of Croatia v Denmark
What to watch out for…
See what Putin gets up to. Or a decent game from David de Gea.
Finishing with…. a match preview Haiku
Spanish Bombs out Russia
The clash sees the home side out
Inquisition next?
GAME 4 – MON 4:00 (AEST) – CROATIA v DENMARK
THE WHO CARES QUALIFYING STORY
Croatia were seen as some kind of World Cup dark horse by a few, but fewer than that would have predicted them to have won all three games in a group featuring Argentina. Their three wins have been impressive in different ways, but their 3-0 win over Argentina was super, and took their much more fancied rivals to the edge of an early knockout. Luka Modric and Ivan Rakitic have been super, no surprise.
Denmark have qualified as possibly the least deserving team in the knockout stage. Weren’t the better side against either Peru or Australia, and played out the farce of their 0-0 game with France to seal the deal. With better finishing from either Peru or Australia, Denmark would have gone home by now. But they haven’t yet, and their defense has been great with just the penalty against Australia providing the only blemish.
CROATIA – 1st Group D – 9pts – GD +6
Second best goal difference of the Group stage.
DENMARK – 2nd Group C – 5pts – GD +1
Lowest goals scored of all the second placed teams with just two.
WHO CARES HISTORY
Head to Head – Croatia 2 – Denmark 2 – Draw 1
Last Match – Denmark 1 Croatia 2 – 2004 Friendly
WHO CARES FOR A BET?
RESULT – Croatia $1.85 Denmark $4.80 Draw $3.20
TO QUALIFY – Croatia $1.40 Denmark $2.95
OUR BEST BET – Croatia win in Extra Time @ $10
WHO CARES WHAT WE THINK?
What we think will happen…
Two goals in extra time to see off the Danes.
What will probably happen..
Christian Eriksen drills a spectacular goal early, and Croatia frustrate themselves trying to match it, and eventually someone gets a red card (for two yellows) in the process.
What our animal tipster Muttstradamus thinks…
Croatia
What our small children think…
Denmark
WHO CARES ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE?
Who’s next?
The winner of this game will play the winner of France v Argentina
What to watch out for…
Luka Modric v Christian Eriksen in the battle of the midfield maestros.
Finishing with…. a match preview Haiku
Dark horse Croatia
Denmark are some kind of Mule
Winning breeds winning
GAME 5 – TUE 0:00 (AEST) – BRAZIL v MEXICO
THE WHO CARES QUALIFYING STORY
Sadly, Portugal have been eliminated, so the final all fans wanted of Mexico and Portugal, featuring fast kicking, low scoring and ties will not eventuate.
But it does leave us still with the mouthwatering clash of Brazil v Mexico.
If we get the Mexico who blew away Germany, and get the Brazil we all know and love them to be, this could be the clash of the Round of 16. That’s saying something after France v Argentina.
Mexico seemed to be cruising through Group E. Disposing of Germany, and accounting for South Korea, they were 2 from 2 and looking like 3/3 wouldn’t be too hard to imagine. But they came across Sweden who up to that point had been solid if unspectacular, but were blown away 3-0. With the South Korea v Germany game going on at the same time and 0-0, any German goal would have knocked them out. To a wave of Mexican joy, South Korea surprised Germany and the world with two late goals to become honourary Mexicans instantly.
And after being pelted with eggs on arrival to their own country, perhaps the South Koreans may wish to swap countries.
Brazil have done the job by being undefeated in first place in their group, but haven’t been overly convincing thus far.
Aside from Neymar’s hair, and a beautiful Coutinho goal in the first game, their progress has been solid rather than impressive. It took them all of 90 minutes to break down Costa Rica, and drew with Switzerland first up. The match against Serbia was a step in the right direction against a dangerous opposition, but if mexico play like they did against Germany, they will struggle no matter the superstars.
Against mexico is their dreadful record of going past the Round of 16. Which hasn’t happened on the last six occasions. Although, as an Australian football fans, we’d take that, and the goals they score.
BRAZIL – 1st Group E – 7pts – GD +4
1 of 3 that conceded just one goal
MEXICO – 2nd Group F – 6pts – GD -1
Needed South Korea to help them progress, to some funny scenes post game around the world.
WHO CARES HISTORY
Head to Head – Brazil 16 – Mexico 8 – Draw 4
Last Match – Brazil 2 Mexico 0 – 2015 Friendly
WHO CARES FOR A BET?
RESULT – Brazil $1.33 Mexico $7.00 Draw $4.00
TO QUALIFY – Brazil $1.22 Mexico $4.25
OUR BEST BET – Brazil to Qualify $1.22
WHO CARES WHAT WE THINK?
What we think will happen…
End to end entertainment with Brazil scoring a late goal to win 2-1.
What will probably happen..
Bugger all happens until Brazil get a lucky deflected goal after 85 minutes.
What our animal tipster Muttstradamus thinks…
Brazil
What our small children think…
Mexico
WHO CARES ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE?
Who’s next?
The winner of this game will play the winner of Belgium v Japan
What to watch out for…
Will Neymar has a break out game finally? Or Mexico kick the shit out of him too.
A Coutinho masterclass.
Hirving Lozano.
Finishing with…. a match preview Haiku
Both sides great at times
Mexico flogged the Germans
Careful for Brazil
GAME 6 – TUE 4:00 (AEST) – BELGIUM v JAPAN
THE WHO CARES QUALIFYING STORY
Belgium lost the race to come second in Group G and avoid the Brazilians side of the draw. Short term gain in Japan and long term pain in Brazil. Maybe.
Belgium can do no more than three wins from three in the group stage.
Japan meanwhile had a royal sampler of one win one draw one loss. Got through on fewer yellow cards than Senegal in a World Cup first.
They won’t get the time or space to pas among themselves for 15 minutes this time thank god.
BELGIUM – 1st Group G – 9pts – GD +7
Best goal difference and goals scored.
JAPAN – 2nd Group H – 4pts – GD 0
Got through on yellow cards.
WHO CARES HISTORY
Head to Head – Japan 2 Belgium 1 Draw 2
Last Match – Belgium 1 Japan 0 – 2017 Friendly
WHO CARES FOR A BET?
RESULT – Belgium $1.40 Japan $7.50 Draw $4.50
TO QUALIFY – Belgium $1.17 Japan $4.50
OUR BEST BET – Belgium win & 3+ Goals @ $2.05
WHO CARES WHAT WE THINK?
What we think will happen…
Belgium will come out blazing and be 3-0 up by half time as Lukaku thrashes another smaller team.
What will probably happen..
Japan score first and Belgium scratch for an equaliser and nick the win in Extra Time
What our animal tipster Muttstradamus thinks…
Belgium
What our small children think…
Belgium
WHO CARES ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE?
Who’s next?
The winner of this game will play the winner of Brazil v Mexico
What to watch out for…
Lukaku, Hazard
A finely tuned Honda
Several references to Samurai during broadcast.
Way too many references to England despite them not playing in this game.
And Roberto Martinez to cop the full blame if they fail. And even if they don’t fail.
Finishing with…. a match preview Haiku
Belgium win their group
Japan win on Yellow Cards
Belgian wins roll on.
