For many people, one of the highlights of the Australian Grand Prix used to be the Australian Grand Prix Celebrity Race, where celebrities and sporting heroes of varying quality and household knowledge battled it out in cars that looked like ride on mowers in comparison to the F1 cars.
But the races featuring names like Trevor Hendy, Liz Ellis and Max Walker, were well followed and as a bonus we have a Youtube clip of the 1989 edition in the wet, featuring the great forgotten car – the Nissan Exa.
As ever though, here at The Gurgler, doing just another Celebrity race just won’t cut it. Unless we can name all 30 drivers from our cavalcade of Crap Fantale selections.
Since that will never happens, we offer up our F1 support act idea – the first Taxi Driver v Uber Challenge Cup.
HOW DOES THE AUSTRALIAN GRAND PRIX TAXI v UBER SUPERPRIX WORK?
First of all, only currently licensed Taxi drivers and Uber operators may enter. And must race in their current professional car, exactly the way it is used to serve the public from their drinking sessions, or save them from the walk of shame the next morning.
Then it is all about quantity over quality, as we attempt to get as many on the track at the same time. We mean having at least 100 drivers per Taxi operations and Uber. This gives us 200 cars in action at the same time. If they can’t look or be fast, why not have a shitload of them.
Given the average ability behind the wheel of Taxi Drivers, and the sheer ignorance of Uber drivers for anything else on the road or in life, having 100 of this standard means the Australian Grand Prix fans will get exactly what they want – plenty of incidents and the occasional fatality free prang.
Imagine fans at the track and home marvelling at the 200 cars sitting on the main straight, some of them waiting for the signal to go, and others ignoring modern day road rules to leave whenever they feel like it.
In fact, it would be better to eliminate qualifying to make the jostling for positions on the pit straight for the start even more funny.
You could also insist that all drivers must carry a passenger, and/or a boot load full of luggage to make it realistic. But once you see the 200 Taxi v Uber drivers in full flight, you won’t want to have it any other way.
You would only need 5 laps, as the accidents would make up for any loss in speed.
So as you picture the door banging, fist waiving, horn tooting, road rage brewing 200 Taxi/Uber drivers, think of how much more fun this would be other than a standard Celebrity race, which would be like the I’m A Celebrity jungle show, full of B Grade and/or Anthony Mundine.
Entertainment, and the ultimate decider in Taxi v Uber would be the delicious end result.
Write to your local MP, or the Minister of Sport and demand it now.
And celebrate International Australian Grand Prix Week.
OTHER ALTERNATIVE AUSTRALIAN GRAND PRIX CELEBRITY RACES
THE DISGRACED ACA GRAND PRIX
Limit it to only Celebrities who have been interviewed on A Current Affair in the past five years after a personal life disgrace. Leading the pack would be Don Burke, Robert Hughes, and that Salim Mehajer.
THE I’M A CELEBRITY AUSTRALIAN GRAND PRIX CELEBRITY RACE
Given the jungle reality show has done all the hard work sourcing B Grade celebrities and under, why not cross promote whilst on the same local broadcast network.
AN AFL v NRL BAD BOYS AUSTRALIAN GRAND PRIX CELEBRITY RACE
Give the bad boys of Australian football a second chance behind the wheel. Decide which code is the best, and the naughtiest.
