A Half Assed 2017-2018 EPL Season Review

Time for our annual look ahead of the new Premier League season with our Half Assed 2017-2018 EPL Season Preview.

The new season of the EPL is ready to kick off and at the unfamiliar time of Friday night UK Time, but that’s great for Australians who get it at a decent hour and what a way to start your Saturday and weekend.

They are still behind the Football League, which kicked off last weekend – to no bloody coverage in Australia unfortunately – but you can still catch our Championship season preview, League One season preview, and League Two season preview.

Our 2017-2018 EPL Season Preview prides itself as one of the most half assed (donkey pun intended) effort to preview the season, with every team’s chances compacted to 20 words or less, answering some of the big questions, some bold predictions of the season ahead, and an even bolder prediction of picking the EPL ladder in order with points.

EACH TEAMS CHANCES FOR 2017-2018 EPL IN 20 WORDS OR LESS

Here we go through every team in the order we think they will finish in, and a few other bits of interest for their season ahead.

CHELSEA 1st
The team who took the title reasonably easy in the end look good again and only need to strengthen slightly in the off season which they have. Second season syndrome worries for Conte though.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Alvaro Morata – Wanted by Man Utd stolen by Chelsea
ODDS: Title $4.20 – Top London Club $1.67

MANCHESTER CITY 2nd
Pep Guardiola trying to prove he can win without being in charge of Barcelona and Bayern by spending over AUD$350M in his second season in charge. Will it be enough?

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Kyle Walker – Will he be a big money success, or another who goes to Man City and disappears.
ODDS: Title $2.60 – Top on Christmas Day $2.80

MANCHESTER UNITED 3rd
Second season in charge for Mourinho, and the world awaits to see if his second year will be as big as his ego and better than his first. Have bought nicely in the transfer window.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Paul Pogba – Will we finally see why he was worth so much money last season?
ODDS – Title $4.00 – LMA Manager of the year – $6.00

TOTTENHAM 4th
Spurs were the best in the league for a large chunk of last season, their squad is very good, which is a good thing considering they have done no transfer business.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Dele Alli – Could be the year he earns his way into a Real Madrid or Barcelona.
ODDS – Title $9.00 – Harry Kane to score more than Romelu Lukaku $1.72

ARSENAL 5th
Arsenal will likely remain an enigma, with new signing Lacazette likely to be the new scapegoat. Could be wrong. Probably won’t be.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Alexandre Lacazette – their big signing and hopes of plenty of goals.
ODDS – Title $11.00 – Top 4 $1.83

EVERTON 6th
With all their off season spending, why not let Everton finish ahead of Liverpool and break into the Top 6.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Wayne Rooney – returns to his first EPL club after leaving Man Utd
ODDS – Top 4 $9.50 – Top 6 $3.40

LIVERPOOL 7th
If Coutinho goes, or even if he doesn’t he may smell that huge transfer to Barcelona and sulk for a while. Will the added pressure of Champions League hurt.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Philippe Coutinho if he stays
ODDS – Title $11.00 – Top 4 on Christmas Day $5.00

WEST HAM 8th
After high hopes and a brand new stadium they barely had to pay for last season was disappointing. A good transfer season has them shaping up as the midfield leader.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Chicharito – Ex Man Utd fresh from Bayer Leverkusen for a second chance at EPL
ODDS – Top 10 Finish $2 – Winner of Group 2 (Liv, Ever, Soton, W Ham, Leic) $14.00

BOURNEMOUTH 9th
Quite the story how high Bournemouth have risen, from almost out of the fourth division to solid midfield EPL. Hope yet for every EFL fan.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Jermain Defoe – can he continue his goal scoring exploits for a team who may appreciate it more?
ODDS – Top 10 Finish $2.88 – Avoid relegation $1.08

NEWCASTLE 10th
The season in the Championship will have them battle hardened and ready to take on the EPL.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Jonjo Shelvey – hired to save them from relegation last time did well from them oin Championship last season.
ODDS – Top 10 Finish $4.00 – Handicap Betting +37 pts from leader $14.00

LEICESTER 11th
All the excitement over their premiership and fall from grace will quiet down into a nice solid midfield.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Tom Lawrence – some player if he sticks around and gets a chance – gun for Ipswich Town last year.
ODDS – Top 10 – $2.00 – Top Midlands Club $1.83

BRIGHTON & HOVE ALBION 12th
There’s a good feeling about Brighton, a few laughed when they were building their new Stadium for EPL when still in the third tier. Last laugh for them and manager Chris Hughton has plenty.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Mat Ryan – an Australian in goal for Brighton
ODDS – To Avoid Relegation $1.62 – Top South Coast Team – $8.00

WEST BROM 13th
The start of the lower midfield-relegation scrap starts here. Only Tony Pulis and his record of no relegation will save them.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Matt Phillips when he’s fit.
ODDS – Top 10 Finish $3.40 – Top Midlands Club $4.00

STOKE 14th
Is there a team more midfield than Stoke. We are predicting Mark Hughes to be first sacked before they recover.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – XHERDAN SHAQIRI – some player if he find his best.
ODDS – Relegation $6.00 – Sack Race $5.00

SOUTHAMPTON 15th
There’s not much buzz around Southampton this year, and another manager get his turn this season.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Nathan Redmond
ODDS – Top 10 $1.62 – Relegation $21

SWANSEA 16th
If Gylfi Sigurdsson goes then Swansea are in real trouble, but not quite relegation.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Tammy Abraham – Chelsea Loanee who scored may time for Bristol City in the Championship last year.
ODDS: Relegation $3.10 – To Avoid Relegation $1.30

HUDDERSFIELD TOWN 17th
EPL new boys who came up via the playoff final are the easy pick for relegation. We say they stay up this time, just.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Aaron Mooy – Bossed it in the Championship and will probably do the same in the EPL.
ODDS – Relegation $1.53 – To Avoid Relegation $2.30

CRYSTAL PALACE 18th
Sam Allardyce worked his no relegation magic last year and buggered off. Maybe he knows something we’re also predicting.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Wilfried Zaha – may be hoping he went to Spurs at some stage this year.
ODDS –  Relegation $1.53 – To Avoid Relegation $2.30

BURNLEY 19th
Burnley did extremely well to survive the EPL for the first time. But there’s an uneasy feeling about them going into this campaign for some reason.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Robbie Brady
ODDS – Relegation $2.10 – To Avoid Relegation $1.53

WATFORD 20th
Our pick for last, despite having Marco Silva who almost saved Hull last year.

OUR PLAYER TO WATCH – Will Hughes – Wanted by a few clubs a few seasons ago. Is some talent.
ODDS – Relegation $2.50 – To Avoid Relegation $1.45

THE BIG QUESTIONS HEADING INTO the 2017-2018 EPL SEASON

Q. When will the Wenger Out start again?

A. Probably around December.

Q. How long until the first Mourinho press conference sulk?

A. 4 games in or first League Cup match.

Q. How long can the spending go on?

A. Plenty more with the new TV Rights to be sorted out this year.

SOME BOLD 2017-2018 EPL SEASON PREDICTIONS

THE FIRST FIVE MANAGERS SACKED

Mark Hughes (Stoke), Frank de Boer (Crystal Palace), Craig Shakespeare (Leicester), Marco Silva (Watford), Sean Dyche (Burnley)

PROMOTED TEAMS STAY UP?

All will survive.

FA CUP WINNER

Liverpool

LEAGUE CUP WINNER

Manchester City

BEST CHAMPIONS LEAGUE PERFORMER

Manchester United- Finalist

BEST NON EPL TEAM FA CUP

Reading 6th round

BEST NON LEAGUE TEAM

EASTLEIGH 4th round

FIRST MANAGER SCUFFLE

Mourinho v somebody in September.

FIRST PUBLIC APOLOGY FOR OFF FIELD BEHAVIOUR

Someone from Crystal Palace, maybe Connor Wickham

GF INDEX 2017-2018 EPL SEASON PREDICTIONS

Everyone thinks they can predict the winners and losers of the EPL each season and we are certainly no different. For the 2017-2018 EPL season we have decided to compile a bunch of stats of varying suitability and quality so we can blame them when we get it wrong. Happily if it does go wrong we’ve called it the GF Index. As in Gurgler Football Index.

How does it work? We hear no one ask. Well since you’re asking we take various performance measures, rank each one from best to worst and assign points from 20 to 1. Then total up all the points and we have a winner, and three losers at the bottom. To be a bigger smart ass we took a % of that points total and divide it against the 2016-17 points tally and come up with a points projection too.

The Data fields used are 16-17 Season Wins*, 16-17 Goal Difference*, 16-17 Points*, 16-17 Away Goals*, 16-17 Last 6 Form, 16-17 Post Xmas Points, 16-17 Most Consecutive Clean Sheets, 16-17 Average Home Crowd % Full, 17-18 Season Win Odds, 17-18 Relegation Odds, 17-18 Squad Value, Manager Tenure, 17-18 Transfer Activity (Doubled). * Corrected for Championship clubs

All of it is probably garbage and completely worthless, but that doesn’t stop us presenting our 2017-2018 EPL Season Predictions.

With thanks to Sportsbet Football Betting for the odds used for above.

With thanks to Transfer Markt for all of the transfer and squad value stats.

With thanks to Who Scored for EPL stats.

With thanks to World Football .net for more stats.