With bribes to forget handballs and build stadiums, win world cups, rigged voting, paying credit cards bills, involving in illegal arms trades, there have been plenty of accusations filed at FIFA, and each day there seems to be a new one, each attempting to outdo the previous in level of illegality and audacity.
Mr Blatter in all his glory has decided to do a bit of cleaning house before he goes. You’d think he might get a start on the corruption and bribes, but thankfully he’s looking after the real issues by sacking communications director Walter De Gregorio for the following joke, which was quite good actually.
“The Fifa president, secretary general and communications director are all travelling in a car. Who’s driving? The police.”
But leaving FIFA related jokes behind we peer into our crystal ball to come up with some of the potential new scandals that could be announced in the summer break that FIFA had a hand in.
MOVE YOUR WALLET FORWARD ONE HOUR
FIFA bribed governments all around the world to install Daylight Savings Time. As research indicates people are less likely to fall asleep while watching a nil all draw earlier in the day.
TWO ALL BRIBE PATTIES
McDonalds Special Sauce. FIFA has the recipe, and McDonald’s continual sponsorship despite all the controversies is a front for extortion payments.
F.I.F.A
Well, ‘fraid to break it to the world but the acronym FIFA actually stands for Fly-In, Fly-Away.
The FIFA cognoscenti are actually aliens in human hosts, clearly demonstrated by their inability to abide by innate human custom and convention.
Under the guise of progressing world unity and peaceful relations through a shared love of football, FIFA are covertly pilfering predominantly Nepalese, Bangladeshi, African and Pacific Islander workers for slave labour on Radradros V.
HO HO NO
The lack of a North Pole Football side can be traced back to the mid 20th century when St Nick advised FIFA due to corruption that they were being placed on the naughty list. FIFA subsequently banned them for life from FIFA fined them 3 Millions Swiss Francs, and banned them from ever hosting football.
HMMMM
The Gurgler has solid, corroborated evidence* that FIFA are directly involved in the disappearance of Flight MH370.
*Evidence may not exist. Evidence may not be presented. All opinions expressed by The Gurgler may not accurately represent the opinions expressed by The Gurgler**.
**John Deeks speaking.
THE WORLD WARMS TO FIFA
FIFA has been working with governments to implement doubt in the population that climate change doesn’t exist and has worked with Middle East Oil companies in exchange for 1% of their profits and agreeing to allow Qatar to host the 2022 World Cup.
Global Warming allowed the excuse for the World Cup to be moved to Winter as part of the deal struck years ago.
LABOR PAINS
FIFA actually bankrolled Kevin Rudd’s reclaiming of the Prime Ministers job in 2013 as payback for having to endure the Australian bid for the 2022 World Cup. They also sacked the only FIFA executive who voted for them.
FINALLY…
Skim Milk. FIFA always take a bit of cream off the top
The All-Seeing Eye of FIFA penetrates all levels of government and bureaucracy.
Whilst some of our predictions may be completely false and ridiculous, they’ll probably end up being less outrageous than the real ones we’ll hear about FIFA in the coming months.
