It’s time for weekly Rugby League rant of The Gurgler’s angry man Buzz equivalent known only as the NRL Donkey, who provides his NRL Round 18 Expert Tips as well as offers an alternative, slightly unhinged view full of sass of the world of rugby league and beyond for another week.
The NRL Donkey’s NRL Round 18 Expert Tips and Weekly Rant
It’s been a big week as usual, with Origin news dominated by some guy called Moses parting a red sea. The sea was actually maroon not red, but that’s ok, Queensland were meant to be a rugby league side as well. Billy Slater’s response to picking a side that got pantsed by remarking “We’re Queenslanders” is an interesting defence that I shall be using when pulled over for drink driving, stopped for not paying for my fifty cent train ride and for some casual shoplifting. Not sure if it will work. What I’m sure won’t work is picking Captain Plod for Game Three.
But after the Origin hype, all the news was about two old men arguing at each other on TV.
At first I thought it was back to the good ol’ days of Channel Nein (note: there are no good or ol’ days at Channel Nein) when Ray Warren and Gus Gould argued like two little old ladies debating if daylight savings would ruin the bus timetables. I say it won’t but Gladys says differently. Although to be honest, listening to the old Rabs and Gus sniping hour would be and is 15 times better than listening to any of Cameron Smith’s commentary. Which is itself twice as bad as Andrew Johns’ comm box work. But we wouldn’t say that out loud in case he feuds with us too. If he reads this. Which he won’t.
Before finishing up on our Channel Nein bashing, we recall when Cameron Smith refused to talk to Channel Nein at all, after their 60 minutes piece on Alex McKinnon. I mean, ignoring Channel Nein because of 60 minutes isn’t hard and a good idea on most if not all occasions as it is as much to “news” as MAFS is to “social experiment”. Either way Cameron Smith comes across as a bit of hypocrite, and a bore, which threatens to put his likeability factor in Queensland somewhere approaching Daly Cherry-Evans Gold Coast Titans signing levels. Although being an ex-Melbourne player, we are concerned that the NRL’s most defensive and thin-skinned fans will flood inbox with Hate Mail. If you are inclined the email address is gurgler.chat@gmail.com and the person who has the best subject line will win a hand drawn picture of Cameron Smith being a hypocrite on the back of a motorbike.
Back to old men shouting at each other, we actually picture that scene of Grandpa Simpson yelling and shaking his fist at birds, or something.
Yes, that’s the picture, thanks. Clouds it was, not birds. What a moron. But yes that’s what I pictured. The more you look at it, Joe Biden looks more like Grandpa Simpson every day. Rambles like him too. Wonder if Joe Biden has ever worn an onion on his belt. I’m saying yes.
Although now I think about it. That Presidential debate looked a lot more like those two muppets sitting in the corporate box in the Muppet Show bagging everything. Sometimes I picture Rabs and Gus in that Corporate Box in the Muppet Show. Don’t know why.
But speaking of muppets, what a choice the USA have. It’s the rugby league equivalent of whether to use Todd Carney pissing in his own mouth at a nightclub, Mitchell Pearce dry rooting a puppy or Joel Monaghan’s tactical use of peanut butter to advertise the NRL for junior recruitment. None of the outcomes are good or good for you. At least the collection of rugby league boofheads only hurt themselves, their family, their club and their sponsors in no particular order. The two actual human arguing muppets could affect the entire world.
If only that debate was Gladys and Maud arguing about bus timetables, or the two puppet-muppet guys or indeed a full 18 minute uncut Grandpa Simpson story that goes nowhere the world would be a safer and happier place.
At least until the world goes crazy and we’re told over and over and over again, we at least have NRL Round 18 to enjoy. Or endure.
The NRL Donkey’s NRL Round 18 Expert Tips
PARRAMATTA v SOUTH SYDNEY
The two teams that Wayne Bennett could have coached in 2025. Although has anyone ruled out that Wayne Bennett isn’t currently coaching Parramatta too? Oh, they are still losing? Must have Trent Barrett in charge then. Souths have stormed back into finals contention on the back of Wayne Bennett signing, that’s how good he is, your team gets a new coach bounce before he has even taken up the clipboard. Just the mere mention of his name. But there’s also been some key position changes, Cameron Murray and Latrell Mitchell realising he is paid to play rugby league. Parramatta have their Origin hero in Mitchell Moses, and he will part the red and green seas this weekend, to get the good game out of his system before Origin Three.
Parramatta by 8
CRONULLA v GOLD COAST
Please let Nicho Hynes have a good game. Unlike the moaning Ray Romano and all of his TV family, everyone actually likes Nicho Hynes and we hope for a virtuoso performance. We’re still looking for the punter who took the -59.5 points start for their win over the Warriors. They know something. All we know this is all about Nicho Hynes.
Cronulla by 24
BRONCOS v PENRITH
Brisbane and Penrith have lost 13 games between them this season, and I am very disappointed in both, they lost 12 games between them in the regular season in 2023. Well actually not that disappointed really, it’s great to see the losing shared around, it’s great for rugby league they are both not winning. But talking of winners, how good is Xavier Willison aka The Beast. I’m going to keep plugging that until it sticks. He could become the rugby league equivalent of English Football cult hero Adebayo Akinfenwa. One could say one of the few shining lights for a side dropping through the ladder. Back to the game, it’s almost forgotten it’s a Grand Final replay. One that won’t be repeated this season.
Penrith by 10
BULLDOGS v WARRIORS
The Warriors won again the game after conceding 60 points or more, that’s three times in a row now, so anything is possible this weekend. They play the Bulldogs who are very territorial and are yet to lose a home game this season. No surprise, they are dogs after all. Could possibly be the game of the week and on Free To Air, but it is the Warriors, and Channel Nein are too stupid to put the Warriors on and not take MAFS off.
Warriors by 1
WESTS TIGERS v MELBOURNE
Somehow Melbourne are going under the radar and comfortably leading the competition. Which is odd, because the main thing that Storms are usually on is a radar. Well the Melbourne Storm will be used to be under the radar anyway as they play in a city where only 0.2% of the people can identify them as an Australian Sporting team, let alone one from Melbourne. It is still another two and a half month before Melburnians have to start caring. The Storm leading the comp is despite the double bogey of having Cameron Munster out and Tyran Wishart replacing him. Oh, and the Wests Tigers are also playing. Can you inform the referees in case they forget which side to penalise.
Melbourne by 10
NORTH QUEENSLAND v MANLY
As a proud Queensland donkey I’d like to ask why the Cowboys waited until after State of Origin to play in State of Origin mode. I’m not blaming all of the Cowboys players, just the ones who played Origin and the ones who want to play origin in the future. And Kurt Capewell. The Cowboys are becoming the hardest team outside of the incompetent boobs in the NRL Bunker to predict the outcome. Based on the fact they should win, they won’t.
Manly by 6
ROOSTERS v DARGONS
Surprised an all Sydney club match isn’t the Channel Nein 4pm kick off. They love it. This game is at least 80% less interesting when it is isn’t on Anzac Day so will probably find something better to do and check the result. Of course the Fox League Flanno fan club are lining up to give their former colleague many, many back pats for winning a few games. It is a good return on them spending years in the commentary box as his de facto agent. Still, I don’t like him, and think he ‘s massively overrated, and my mouth full of sour grapes and resentment I’m tipping against them.
Roosters by 20
CANBERRA v NEWCASTLE
Round 18 ends with the Canberra v Newcastle shopping window clash, or a possibles vs probables game where Canberra will be looking to not only beat the opposition but get them to join too. Wonder if you’re allowed to call people possible or probable in this day and age. Seems like it would offend someone. Especially if you are a maybe, a hardly likely, or a no-f***ing way. Back to the game, and perhaps a Sunday afternoon clash in Canberra will convince a few of the Knights would-be Raiders not to go. At least the dressing room will be heated with a spray from Ricky Stuart almost assured.
Canberra by 1 degree
READ MORE: MORE NRL ROUND 17 TIPS AND STATS PREVIEW
